The history of #BroScience: a list of scientific milestones achieved by bros

Ca. 1300: Widely considered to be the first bro to significantly contribute to the realm of science, William of Ockham formulates the principle of Occam’s Razor: that, given a multitude of increasingly complex options, the simplest fist bump is almost always the correct method of greeting other bros.

1519: Leonardo da Vinci dies, leaving behind a collection of notebooks which contain a primitive sketch of a hackysack as well as an early draft of what many scholars believe to be a fairly gnarly 22-minute jam.

1543: Copernicus suddenly realizes that the Earth revolves around the Sun. The historical record remains unclear as to whether his prized “sun’s out, guns out” tank top appears before or after this epiphany.

1577: Tycho Brahe observes the Great Comet of 1577. Later that night, in a fit of inspiration, he becomes the first man to pair a pastel polo shirt with madras shorts. This primitive outfit will remain incomplete until Johannes Kepler, expanding on his mentor’s work, discovers top-siders in 1610.

1633: Galileo proposes the vertical displacement, or ‘popping,’ of one’s collar. The Church finds this heretical and places him under house arrest, seizing his collared shirts. Galileo is forced to spend the remainder of his life researching the optimal depth of a men’s V-neck T-shirt.

1666: Sir Isaac Newton observes a fellow bro fall while attempting to complete a kegstand and immediately formulates the theory of gravitation.

1835: When his party boat, the HMS Beagle, reaches the Galapagos, Charles Darwin discovers lacrosse-playing bros. His theory that lax bros represent the missing link between jock bros and preppy bros becomes the foundation of his theory of evolution.

1925: Clarence Darrow nearly incites a riot when, during the famed Scopes ‘Monkey’ Trial, he asks William Jennings Bryan, “Do you even lift, bro?” Bryan, who does not lift, dies five days after the end of the trial, reportedly of shame.

1944: Otto Hahn is awarded the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for the discovery of nuclear fission; despite contributing significantly to this discovery, Lise Meitner is not included in the prize. Hahn further snubs Meitner by throwing a rager on his father’s yacht and not inviting her. Meitner dies without a Nobel Prize. The yacht sinks.

1953: Watson and Crick deny Rosalind Franklin credit for her contributions to their work modeling the structure of DNA, claiming that they independently arrived at their conclusions after noticing a tower of Natty Light beer cans arranged in the form of a double helix during a frat party.

1996: A team of well-funded bros clone Dolly the sheep. Three years later, Dolly enrolls at Grinnell on an Ultimate Frisbee scholarship.

2014: Matthew McConaughey goes to space.

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