Conflict — Identity

Aadhar Malhotra
Nov 6 · 3 min read

I hit a snag recently. I have been unable to write here, record my own podcast, record martial arts videos for my channels, finish assignments to courses I signed up for, and more importantly, I have felt disconnected from my self and my beliefs. I’ve questioned my decisions, wondered why I’m not getting into a romantic relationship or opening myself up to the possibility of a partner. What’s been a bit more concerning is the fact that I have been skipping out on training, which has always been a non-negotiable since it is what I use to ground myself.
So out of a whole host of projects that I wanted to work on, I have completed nothing. I’ve questioned my identity. I’ve been told I display ‘typical Gemini behavior’ (if you believe in that stuff, Geminis tend to be….ambivalent). Why? I haven’t got the slightest idea. Now, 2 years ago, I had a similar situation that I had to deal with and my mind decided to pull that up as a memory to remind me (as is its job), that I need to sit down, panic, wallow in this, and not go through what I call, growing pains.

Why ‘growing pains’? Because I’m a different person now. As simple as that. How am I different? Because humans change constantly. Over the past year, I have seen my beliefs and my understanding of my identity change on a monthly basis. Having gathered that ‘identity’ as a concept is fluid, I have spent my time letting go of biases, attachments, old value systems and anything that would keep me away from moving in a direction that leads me towards improvement as a human being. Now, conflict is an interesting thing. It can come from anywhere, anytime — especially when you are working on being aware of your thoughts, behaviors, actions, and feelings. I have heard many people say — you can’t help how you feel. I disagree. I believe that while you can’t control what thoughts show up, you can choose how you feel or respond when they do.

(Damnit, I’ve hit that block again. All because I waited for an entire day to finish this write)

Right, choice. It’s going to be hard for a lot of us to believe but a lot of our beliefs, values, behaviors, actions, and responses are subconscious choices we have made in order to adapt to certain stimuli. (Heavy words……very sciency)
An example of this is when you say that you are a certain kind of person, or when you start identifying yourself with your profession or your hobby — I’m Aadhar, the martial artist. Or I’m Aadhar, the musician. Or I’m Aadhar, the communications professional.
I am all of those things and I am NONE of those things. These attributes simply form a part of the whole entity that I am. I am Aadhar. Just that. I can be absolutely anything at any given point in time or choose to remain the same if it feels right.

So why am I writing this? To remind me that a conflict of identity is simply a reminder of the choices I have made so far and will have to make now and in the future. I’m writing to remind me that no matter what choice I make, it is ultimately mine to make and that I must be clear on why I am making this choice. My reasons could be anything, so long as they are mine.

Aadhar Malhotra

Written by

What I do - Learn/Train martial arts, Work for a communications firm, Play drums for a Metal Collective Who I am - Constantly changing

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