10 Reasons Why Should You Go On A Solo Date: Part I
“In solitude, listen to your heart, for at that moment, it speaks nothing but the truth.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson, Song of a Nature Lover
In a phase of self-love, self-care and self-awareness, I finally got a long-awaited haircut and a new pair of glasses. Now, my next goal is to buy a new phone during the Christmas and New Year sales. My current phone is now more than three years old, and it’s slowing down. On the other hand, there’s nothing functionally wrong with it. I mean, one knows that the world can run on a basic smartphone that doesn’t have the best features and specifications. On the other hand, phones these days are quite expensive so might as well get a good one. That way, you can have a great device for the next couple of years.
If you’ve checked out my last post, I’ve talked about going on a solo date. I’m not allowed to go on solo trips outside the city, but I enjoy taking myself out on days when I feel especially lonely and isolated. Being in a long-distance relationship, you don’t expect too many dates together. However, we’re individuals with individual lives and I enjoy going on solo coffee dates and spending on cappuccinos and frappuccinos at least once a couple of months. People are sometimes surprised when they hear me say ‘solo date’ as if a committed person can’t spend time with themselves. Or, is that only me who does this?
“I am seated here
Alone
A thousand miles away
From everybody
But if I have myself
And my sanity
I’ve got nothing else to lose”
― Michael Bassey Johnson, Song of a Nature Lover
Modern dating comes with so many expectations, and it can be a struggle trying to work through busy schedules, family issues, personality clashes, physical and mental health, friendships and life in general. That’s why I always tell people to never make their relationship the centre of their universe; you are the centre of your universe. Your career, family, friends and love life are all parts of you and all of them are equally important to you. This way, you won’t ever have to choose one over the other. Once you have this basic rule straight, you’ll find yourself a lot at peace and all your relationships will thank you for it.
As I said, your romantic partner can’t or won’t always be around you, which is why it’s crucial to have your individuality in place. You must have your dreams and ambitions, finances, social circle, interests and hobbies, holiday plans and so on. Of course, as you grow in life together, you’ll find certain aspects of life overlapping, especially family and children. Always have your freedom and independence, so that you don’t become co-dependent on each other. Solo dates are a great way to explore life on your own, while not losing the value of your relationship or lack thereof. So, what are the good reasons for this?
Spend quality time with yourself
On a regular day, much of our time and energy goes into spending time with other people. This could be your family, colleagues, friends, employer, romantic partner or even people who you meet on the street. As a result, you have little or no time for yourself. No matter how lively and extroverted we are, all of us deserve our time, also called me-time. When you go on a solo date, you have the sole opportunity to keep yourself company but not be bored. Instead, you get comfortable with yourself and not look forward to others for company.
Regardless of your relationship status, whether you’re happily single, weathering the Valentine blues, in a committed relationship or even married for several years, you realise that you do deserve time for yourself along with your career, family, friends and important people in your life. This desire for time alone doesn’t make you selfish or uncaring towards these people but allows you to be happy and content with yourself. I’d started going on solo dates even before I met M., and I will continue to do so in the future. Spending time with myself has only made my life, in so many aspects, healthier.
Understand your preferences and boundaries
Once again, when you’re out with a bunch of people or even your partner, you sometimes end up making compromises. Of course, making compromises in a healthy friendship or relationship is great — it’s what brings you close together. Despite that being appreciated and reciprocated, sometimes you want to do your thing without the fear of adjusting. Solo dates let you explore your life your way, without making way for compromises. That’s why, it’s completely fine to go on solo dates at least once a month.
If you want to visit an art gallery, watch a favourite movie or take yourself out on lunch and dinner, solo dates are a great way to do that. Instead of having to adjust and compromise as you would with a companion, you can choose your place of date, make an appointment, dress up as you would normally do for a date (it’s called self-indulgence!), make merry and feel great about yourself. You know what kinds of movies you watch, what kinds of food you like and what kinds of outfits and accessories make you feel more like yourself. When you bring the best of yourself to a solo date, you bring the best to others.
Increased self-awareness, self-respect and self-confidence
As you spend more and more time with yourself, you realise that you’ve become more self-aware with your choices. This in turn develops your self-confidence and self-respect as you own your likes and dislikes, and you can better communicate the same to your family, friends and partner. Solo dates empower you to make your own decisions without considering anybody else’s feelings, opinions and judgments. You suddenly feel more independent and liberated, while not feeling apart from all the relationships that you cherish.
Contrary to the seemingly popular notion, solo dating doesn’t mean that you’re destined to be alone and lonely. Instead, there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be lonely even if you have a full family and social circle, and you can be happy when you have nobody to come home at the end of the day. In my opinion, aloneness and loneliness are different states of being, different states of mind. It’s completely fine to be alone, but if you feel sad and lonely when you’re out on a solo date or solo trip, you might need some work on yourself to enjoy the benefits.
Personal growth and self-sufficiency
Being alone teaches you to be independent, and you can make your decisions on your own. When we’re out with people, we’re often afraid or hesitant to voice our opinions. However, when we’re dating ourselves, we have nobody to impress. We don’t depend on external companies or validation to feel good about ourselves. Instead, we feel liberated, confident and empowered in our being. Once again, this doesn’t mean that you don’t want people around you. It means that you’re comfortable with or without people around you.
I’ve found that once you start spending more time with yourself, you’re more comfortable living by yourself. As a university student in Pune, much of my time would go into studies and taking care of myself. Somehow, that independence had translated into my everyday life as well. All of a sudden, I didn’t need anyone’s company to be happy. Five years later, I don’t need anybody’s company. I’ll choose to be with someone because I want them, not because I can’t survive without them. Before you tell me that I’m exaggerating, let me tell you that co-dependency is real.
Fosters deeper connection with yourself
Though I didn’t realise it at the time, my university days were probably the most enlightening years of my young self. That was when I started breaking off my toxic friendships, finally had a career direction, took on freelancing and part-time jobs to make pocket money, took care of myself and the household chores and became more and more independent. I made a couple of friends at the hostel and would try to learn more about their backgrounds and cultures. I didn’t have time for negativity in my life, and I started enjoying my company more and more.
That was when I started solo dating, on a fateful day when I had nobody to watch Ayushmann Khurana’s ‘Badhaai Ho’ with. In a fit of impulsive behaviour (yes, I’m still working on that), I booked a ticket, watched the movie and had dinner at the shopping mall. Since then, I started taking myself out every Sunday. Though I don’t continue that habit anymore, I learnt so much more about myself. I started seeing myself in a positive light, as someone who wanted to soak in new experiences, thoughts, emotions and ideas — even if they were rather unconventional in some ways. And, that’s when I started writing novellas.
Therefore, it’s safe to say that solo dating has improved my mental and emotional health. Though I’ve only talked about five benefits here, I’ll discuss five more reasons why you should take yourself out more often. You’ll feel calmer, independent and happier within yourself, and that positivity will trickle into your personal and professional lives as well. Have you ever been on a solo date, and what was your reason and philosophy behind it? Do you still continue the tradition despite lifestyle changes, and how do you see it making you a better person? Do let me know in the comment section.
