My Love Letter to Unconventional Mothers, On and Off Screen

There’s a quote from Jaqueline Rose’s essay on mothers that reads:

“Motherhood is the place in our culture where we lodge, or rather bury, the reality of our own conflicts, of what it means to be fully human…It is the ultimate scapegoat for our personal and political failings, for everything that is wrong with the world, which it becomes the task — unrealizable, of course — of mothers to repair.”

I think about this quote when I find myself brimming with irrational resentment towards my mother, in the way that eldest daughters from South Asian homes often do.

I’ve learnt that we are mirrors, her and I. Reflecting our best and worst bits back at each other. All too comfortable revealing what the other doesn’t want to see and saying what the other isn’t ready to hear.

Even with the best of intentions, we often hurt each other.

Somewhere, deep down I still expect her to magically fix all my problems, understand my inner conflicts, and soothe my unuttered fears. It’s almost too comfortable for me to point fingers at her, dump every negative thought, and project every painful experience onto her unthinkingly. Sometimes I forget that she’s a person before she’s my mother.

In cinema, the mess of motherhood has often been concealed in order to foreground its many virtues, joys and sacrifices. The simultaneous glorification and vilification, the contradictions and chaos, and the often tragic inequality of being a mother are, I think, just as important to depict as its many boons and gifts.

This Mother's Day, I thought about the fact that when my mother was 23 (my age), I was already in this world. I thought about how she must have had to completely change her life because of me. How she managed to carve out a space in the world for her and me, making peace with a life of fighting, negotiating, balancing and calculating for two (and then three) instead of one. She did all of it without ever compromising on what really mattered to her or losing who she is.

So in celebration and honour of my own unconventional, flawed and crazy mother, my grandmothers, and the many many women who raised me (it does take a village), here are some complex screen moms who I absolutely love. I think they occupy the full spectrum of complicated shades and textures that motherhood is all about:

1. Marion from Lady Bird

My favourite thing about Greta Gerwig’s ‘Lady Bird’ is the brilliance with which it treats the relationship between Marion and Lady Bird as the real love story in the film.

Too often coming-of-age films are hyperfocused on romance or sexuality, cliques and popularity. But our lives at home largely shape our experience of adolescence and even adulthood. Marion reminded me of my mother in so many ways- Headstrong, passionate, tough, and overworked. Lady Bird and her have an all too familiar, ‘can’t live with, can’t live without’ dynamic that ultimately only reflects how much love they have for each other.

Nobody talks about how hard it is for parents to accept the changes that come with children growing up and wanting to reinvent themselves, which is why I loved how despite being from the POV of Lady Bird, the film shows us Marion’s world with remarkable tenderness.

2. Nancy Stokes from Good Luck To You, Leo Grande

If you haven’t had the chance to watch this absolutely incredible film, please go watch it NOW. It’s a British comedy-drama directed by Sophie Hyde that explores the unconventional bond between a middle-aged widow, Nancy Stokes, and a young sex worker named Leo Grande.

Nancy is a retired teacher and mother of two adult daughters. She’s also never had an orgasm. The film tackles, with surprising tenderness and humour, all the shame, guilt and hidden fears surrounding age, body and sexuality that Nancy has been carrying around her whole life. It tracks her slow and genuine journey to a place of acceptance, allowing her to learn and unlearn without judgment. While Nancy’s children don’t feature in the film (except during one phone call) their presence is a palpable reality in the film- shaping Nancy’s self-perception. Mothers shouldn’t be spending their afternoons in hotel rooms with hired sex workers right? Wrong. As Nancy says in the film “Pleasure is a wonderful thing. It’s something we should all have”

3. Jenny from Kal Ho Na Ho

I think Jenny in Kal Ho Na Ho was an underrated and underutilized character. She had a husband who not only cheated on her but then also went and died, leaving her to deal with tenfold the trauma and guilt that already exists for Indian bahus. She raises his illegitimate child alongside two of her own children, runs a business independently in a foreign land, tackles all the individual problems of her kids with kindness and faith and somehow manages to put up with an obnoxious, rude and hateful mother-in-law.

She doesn't have much to do with the central plot of the film, but I liked how she held her own in the house. She wasn’t the ever-doting, perfectly submissive type of mom, nor was she angry all the time or resentful. She was just doing her best, and trying to hold everything together like a real mom would.

4. Evelyn from EEAAO

At the start of the film, Evelyn is like any Asian mother. More than anything else, she’s tired. To quote, well me, “Caught between a tax audit, a neglected husband, an angry daughter, a disapproving father and her own feelings of inadequacy, she moves through the day embittered and frustrated. That is of course until she is thrust into a high-stakes, action-packed multiversal thriller arc where she must single-handedly save all of humanity from the clutches of absolute chaos.”

Nothing has made me feel closer to my mom more than the last 10 minutes of this film. It does such a good job of exploring all the unsaid, unexpressed, complex feelings between mothers and daughters, that you just have to watch it to understand. Even though this film is about a dozen different complex things, at its core, I think it’s a love letter to incredible mothers.

5. Erin Brokovitch from Erin Brokovitch

Erin Brockovich is one of the most remarkable female characters ever written. She’s a broke, single mother of three, who takes on a huge corporation, fighting with everything she’s got, to deliver justice to those who need it. It’s literally impossible to not root for her. Not only is she a bombshell of a woman, who doesn’t shy away from using her sexuality to get what she needs (subverting ‘good mother’ behaviour), but she also proves to be far more intelligent than anyone gives her credit for, not to mention fiercely determined and undeniably powerful.

I especially appreciate how despite her many gifts, she’s still a mess when it comes to being a mom. But like most moms, she’s striving to be better. More often than not, just showing up for your kids is good enough.

6. Shamshun from Darlings

Another delightfully grey character, you can’t help but root for.

‘Darlings’ explores themes of domestic violence within the socio-psychological milieu of the lower middle class through the eyes of two women who refuse to act like victims. Shamshun is the mother of our protagonist Badru- who continues to love her abusive alcoholic husband until she can’t.

Shamshun’s character is unconventional in more ways than one. She has skeletons in her closet (perhaps literally), is opinionated, unbothered by societal expectations and independent. She also desperately wants Badru to leave her husband and supports her wacky endeavours without question. I absolutely loved the fact that a young man falls in love with her, and they share an unexpected kiss because why the hell not?

7. Halley from The Florida Project

Another film that I absolutely adore.

In Sean Baker’s ‘Florida Project’, Halley is a young and struggling single mother who lives with her six-year-old daughter, Moonee, in a budget motel in Orlando, Florida.

While the story is mainly from the point of view of Moonee and sheds light on both the harsh realities of poverty and the innocence of childhood, it’s also a tale of the unshakable bond between a mother and daughter. Halley is young, poor, alone in the world, and clearly unfit to be a parent. She swears and smokes in front of her daughter, does a terrible job monitoring health and nutrition and often puts herself in dangerous situations, using illegal or questionable tactics to make ends meet. Her lack of steady income and living situation means it's impossible for her or her daughter to establish a stable home life.

But despite their rather unconventional relationship, the two love each other fiercely and unconditionally, and the story champions the beauty of their bond.

8. Ma from Room

“Room” is a 2015 drama that primarily focuses on the lives of Ma and Jack, who have been held captive in a small shed for seven years by a man they refer to as Old Nick. The room serves as their entire world, and Ma strives to create a nurturing environment for Jack, shielding him from the harsh reality of their situation. She invents stories, routines, and games to make their confined space feel like a home.

The film explores the psychological and emotional impact of their captivity, alongside the resilience and determination with which a woman (who has been kidnapped and abused for years) fights to build a better life for her child.

9. Shashi from English Vinglish

Let’s be honest, we’ve all met a Shashi.

A middle-aged Indian housewife whose individual identity seems to have disappeared somewhere over the years, buried under the overpowering ones of her husband and children. Expected to live within the boundaries society has set for her, whilst simultaneously being made to feel insufficient and inadequate, always taken for granted.

One area where Shashi struggles is speaking English and while the film is about how she tries to overcome this insecurity, it’s not about learning a language at all. It’s about finding the courage to do something for yourself, without permission or supervision. Through that one decision to take English lessons, she rediscovers her intrinsic value and capabilities. She realizes she has a place in the world, however small. She has a voice and a choice. It’s such a wonderful film.

and lastly,

10. Donna from Mamma Mia

When I first watched Mamma Mia, I wanted to BE Donna. Yes okay, she’s tired and strapped for cash (who isn’t?), but at least she’s FREE and lives on a beautiful Greek island! She can sing and dance to her heart's content, raise her daughter on her own terms, and live without the absurd rules most women I know have to put up with.

Donna is vibrant, bold and absolutely gorgeous. Not only does she raise a child outside of traditional family structures, but she also fosters an open and honest relationship with her Sophie, akin to friendship. She goes on to challenge the idea that a woman's age determines her capacity for joy and adventure and continues to value her personal growth, experiences and friendships right alongside her responsibilities as a mother.

And she’s completely unapologetic about her romantic history with different men! She really is one of my all-time favourite characters.

And so there you have it! If you enjoyed this, and have added any of these films to your watchlist, do consider following me here on Medium because I write lots of fun film-related articles and lists!