What they forget to tell you- My Mantra

After your kid gets sick, I mean really sick, like cancer, ICU, brain surgery kind-of-sick, no one really prepares you for the aftermath.

The good news is he survived, everything. I felt like all of my prayers had been heard and answered. He was my beautiful little man, I get to see grow up. The surgery went better than expected. He managed radiation like a champ and the after effects of everything were minimal. With all of the joy, the doctors forget to tell you the aftermath is still real and powerful.

For the first week after my son came home from his brain surgery I didn’t sleep through the night. I would get up, open his door and stare at him till I see his chest move up and down, verifying in my own mind, he was breathing. The house was so quiet; there were no heart monitors going off every few minutes or nurses coming in to do vitals. Some nights I would curl up beside him on his twin bed,just holding him and feeling fortunate. He didn’t complain, he would move over and giggle; Mommy was being silly again.

His first cold, post radiation and surgery, had him in bed for three days. Once again I found myself on the verge of panic. I was aware it was just a cold and he would be fine. Yet underneath there was a layer of panic which could carry my mind out like a rip tide. This is how it all started last time, we thought it was a sinus infection, it wasn’t. It was worse, so much worse. My chest would tighten so I could hardly breath, while I fought off tears.

Like any nightmare, you talk yourself down from the fear and panic when you wake. Reminding yourself it’s over; everybody is moving on and you should too. He survived a brain tumor. He will survive a cold and so much more in his life. This statement became my mantra whenever I looked at my son with worry or panic, ‘he will survive.’

I get through each day saying my mantra, sometimes a dozen times or just once. It keeps me sane. It keeps me from crying. It reminds me how much I love him. It tells me, my son is a fighter and a survivor. Most of all, it shows me I have the power to survive too.