Independence?

Sometimes I think about whether I made the wrong decision to ruminate about leaving the ALP this month last year, and whether actually doing it was the right thing to do. Sometimes I get angry about what happened hence, but I still end up reflecting simply as to whether it was right — not whether the consequences tore me apart or not, because I know that to be true.

I miss the feeling of belonging, of having a purpose, of having a say on what matters, but I think then about what, and how, things get done within the party, and in the broader body politic. I think there is a great nobility in independence, because your counsel is the superior counsel. No one can tell you to change what your values are or what you say in order to suit the running of a fief, or the maintenance of a power structure, or the strategy of some game that shouldn’t be played at all. It is the truest form of political freedom, and the freedom to disagree is the greatest freedom one can have within and outside political society. If I were to sell that freedom to rejoin the Labor party, could I be happy with myself sacrificing my integrity for the sense of belonging and purpose I miss? I doubt it very much.

I’ve not given any consideration to joining any other party for some time, and I’m not entirely sure I want to. To do so means an investment, and adorning myself with a partisan stripe — painting myself red, blue, green or whichever colour the party might have. If I have a conversation with anyone about politics, it would inevitably come up and make it hard to continue on without the addition of some kind of nuance — a complication — that I could do without. The best chats I’ve had are when I’ve been able to listen completely and to elucidate my honest feelings in return to those of my friend’s. Why add that complication?

There is much uncertainty about my thinking right now, and it’s both a beautiful and a bewildering thing. Sometimes I get really angry, sometimes I reflect and decide my own counsel is important, sometimes I think that I could be part of the sum of many parts working towards something great. It’s like my swings are sometimes not so much ones of emotion or mood, but ones of connection and of thought. Like the swings at the park, they’re either fun, or boring, because of the perpetuity of it all — just going up, back and up again. Sometimes I fall off, and that hurts, but the pain subsides, and I clamber back on. And that’s just how life is. Getting back on, swinging up and back, having fun, getting bored, and occasionally falling off. There is a lovely variety to it all if I step back and observe for a while.

Hope everyone is having a great day :)