Keeping busy

I started spending a lot of time with Berto and his circle, one of the things I liked about them was that they were always doing something. A lot of places that I had always wanted to check out we would do, and they had no problems driving far distances to explore things.

We would go camping fairly often in the summer, and I would usually bring Chloe. I still wasn’t able to get off heroin, and in the company of Berto and his friends it was almost embarrassing. Once I had to pick up before we went camping, and I had Berto drive me to meet the dealer. I could tell he wasn’t comfortable doing it, but I didn’t want to get sick.

When we got to the campground I had Berto’s sister Tatti watch Chloe for me so I could sneak off and get high. I could tell they weren’t happy about this, but I tried to be a good friend otherwise. I started drinking more often with this group of people as well, because that was what they were into.

I was spending time with Berto most days each week, I think it helped me feel like I wasn’t alone. I started to develop some feelings for Tatti, and she seemed interested but would never actually say or do anything to confirm that. Todd was the only person who had his own place, and we would spend a lot of time there.

I remember Todd telling me that I should not bother trying to get with Tatti, and he said I was just interested in her because it was convenient. I didn’t want to believe that at the time, but looking back he was right. We were very different people, but the fact that I saw her all the time created a natural attraction that didn’t require much effort.

Todd also smoked weed all the time, and tried to get me to start smoking it to help me avoid heroin. In my mind I really wanted this to work, I thought if I could get into weed again that I would have something for a vice and could stop opiates all together. Todd gave me a gram to smoke, and within ten minutes of doing it I already regretted it. Once again, I smoked weed and quickly remembered why I hated it. I would feel stupid, and then fall asleep.

I think it was around this time when I started doing more morphine than heroin. I felt like it was easier to conceal, and it was a prescription drug that had less of a stigma than heroin did. I got a regular connection from a lady that Chris knew, and I would buy it once a week and ration it out. I did one hundred milligrams a day when it turned into a consistent habit.

Ten dollars a day for a pill was a lot cheaper than the forty dollars a point I was paying for heroin, so it made sense in a lot of ways. I often felt like I didn’t want to be a junkie anymore, but I couldn’t stop. I would try, and sometimes make it a few days, but I would always feel lost and the withdrawals were never easy to manage.

I remember one night I was feeling really sick when I tried to quit, and decided to take morphine. I crushed it up and snorted it, and actually said the words “I’m sorry we fought..” out loud. I spent about eight hours that night painting a large statue of Mary holding Jesus, and felt like the drugs were helping he get back in touch with myself.

Taking morphine seemed like it was less noticeable but Berto and my other friends could still tell when I was High. regardless we often still went out together, and there was a place we used to frequent that was called “Country Camping” and it was basically a big field owned by bikers, and people would gather there and drink for days.

We had lot of fun on these trips, and often got a bit destructive. We would go to local garage sales and buy things that we would hang from trees or destroy. We saw these guys burn a tent the one time, and we carried over a foot stool we had purchased to throw on their fire as well. We were stopped by the staff who showed up after the tent fire, and I remember him asking me if I wanted to burn the whole forest down. I looked at him in confusion and then looked around at the four trees that were even close to us and just shrugged.

We had a lot of good memories and that place, often times our other friends would come as well. Phill and his girlfriend Bonnie, and Chris and his girlfriend at the time. Generally it was a lot of fun, we would stay up all night and drink as much as we could. I normally wasn’t social at all, but I also never really drank. Alcohol made it easier for me to be outgoing, and I felt a lot more confident.

There was one occasion that was not a great memory at that place. Todd decided he was going to take magic mushrooms while we were there, and without really thinking I said I would do them with him. Nobody else in our circle did drugs at all, so I was the only one that would agree. I hadn’t done any hallucinogens since my last night I took acid, but I figured I would be fine.

I took the mushrooms and within an hour I was freaking out. I felt like I was back on acid again, and I was picking up exactly where I left off. I ended up staying in my tent for over four hours by myself, wishing the world would go away. I wanted to kill myself, and I wanted to kill everyone around me. I realized how bad of a decision it was for me to take these drugs, but it was too late to do anything about it.

I emerged from the tent once the drugs subsided and tried to get into the spirit of the place, but it was hard. Everyone all drunk and happy was very surreal when you are in state of paranoia and depression. Needless to say that was the last time I ever tried any hallucinogens.