Early Years. (Pt. 1)
Looking back as far as I can remember, I will do my best to identify some behaviors I may have picked up in early childhood.
I was born in September, in 1980. I was raised in a small town, the youngest of two siblings. My parents were still together. My father was a long haul truck driver, and was frequently absent from the home.
My mother always did her best to raise two children without much support, but struggled with discipline, as well as emotional connection.
Even in my years before starting school, my memories are a bit faded, but I know I got away with a lot. I would make horrific messes around the house with my toys, and my mother would vocalize her disappointment, but would also clean up after me without a word.
I spent a lot of time with my imagination, playing with toys and daydreaming. I didn’t watch much TV in those days, as my sister and I only had access to a black and white model with limited channels.
Looking back, this may have helped me build my creativity, to this day I enjoy thinking outside of the box, and expressing myself through various creative outlets.
Having my mother constantly clean up after me without any kind of conversation did create some habits that were difficult to break.
Early in life I feel I failed to develop an understanding of natural consequence, and responsibility. This definitely played a role later in life, and caused frustration for those who were close to me as an adult.
At this point in time I am able to reflect on this behavior and identify what my subconscious thought process may have been.
Maybe by creating chaos in the home I was looking for a reaction from my mother, trying to push it further in hopes that it would trigger something.
The other possibility is that I was just focused on doing what I wanted, and didn’t really think of the affect it had on anyone else around me.
I will probably never really have the answer to that, but that is okay. I will keep digging and see what I can come up with.