Go on then…leave an ETHICAL WILL, ya Self-Righteous Blowhard
The construct of an Ethical Will is even more ludicrous than the parchment itself. You, the omnipotent truth teller, in all your wisdom, all your glory, shall impart for future kin the combined sagacity of all your years. Or perhaps you might simply ask those you’ve ruined for their forgiveness before you go. Why not some mixture of the two? Forgiveness AND profundity. Such a delightful combo. Oh, the ego it takes! The sheer conceit and aggrandizing! It’s impressive really. Or would be if it weren’t also so amusing to think about anyone having to read your life lessons, stifling their own laughter as they do.
You know what? Fuck it, I’m absolutely leaving behind an Ethical Will. Hell, I’m leaving behind many.
I’ve already published a memoir, and I’m barely on the other side of 40. I’m intent on branding Medium (and any other publications who allow) with as many of my thoughts, ideologies, experiences, and grandiose embellishments as I can muster. I want my children to read them. And their children too. Every word. Every impartation of divine transmission. Every drip of honey from my lips. Imbibe, future generations, imbibe. Just visit my tombstone occasionally and thank me as you please. Seriously, no holds barred. Seances, grave dancing, dousing my sepulcher in lighter fluid. All good.
Here’s a few winners of experiential percipience my own father has imparted:
1. Always wash a car from the top down
2. Never bother an animal while it’s eating
3. We’re a lot looser with our sexual inhibitions when we’re away from home (paraphrasing here)
You want more? Plenty more coming in future publications — can’t give all the goods away up front, am I right? Plus, as mentioned, I want to leave behind many an Ethical Will, spread out over many a publication. I’m not so much into the ‘list all the cheesy sayings I can think of in one sitting’ thing, I’m more into the ‘I have a lot to say about everything so listen to me constantly bellow’ thing.
Also, an Ethical Will should not merely be limited to one digest. If you have the time and mental capacity, consider creating an email address for your fresh offspring and bombard them with weekly musings. Or add voice over to videos you take of your children, so they may watch in horror with their sisters many years from now. Perhaps post these videos to Instagram for even further comedic effect. Here’s a good one: hide a number of Ethical Will’s all over town and leave behind only a treasure map peppered with sanguine riddles that will take the kids years to decipher. The possibilities are endless!
Even better, your actions will always speak louder than your words, which is really the point of imparting all these ethics to begin with. Ethics are principles that will govern a behavior, and behavior is an action. The goal of the Will is to influence the actions of your receiver, directing them towards a lifetime of morally beautiful contributions to society, not to mention the overall advancement of the human race.
Yep, as ludicrous and self-ennobling as they may be, Ethical Will’s are important transmissions to future generations. Even if what you are imparting is disagreeable with the beliefs of others, that’s okay, as long as what you are imparting intends no true evil. So, fire up the neurons, and create a vehicle (or many) that connotes your values, experiences, and all your really fucking important life lessons, blowhard. Those who come after you will be glad you left them one…or at least left them a damn good chuckle. They’ll inevitably always need one of those too.
