The Teams You Do Not Want To Meet In The Playoff

The NFL playoffs are just around the corner. However, with one week left there are still three spots left unclaimed. Recent history tells us the teams that were better most of the year are the teams that we will see in the end. Yet we can never count out the beast of momentum, we’ve seen it before a team gets hot at the right time and goes all the way. Remember 2010 when Aaron Rodgers and the Packers came into the playoffs as the sixth seed and then went on the win the Superbowl, yeah me neither, but it happened then and it can happen again. That being said here are the teams you do not want to run into in this year’s playoffs.


The Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens are a whole new team with Lamar Jackson under center by playing run focused football. If for some reason you ever wanted to see what Washington could have looked like if RGIII stayed healthy this is probably as close as it gets. I can’t name more than two players on that defense but I can tell you that Lamar Jackson is 5–1 with a 5/11 TD to Turnover ratio as a starter so TAKE THAT FOR DATA you stat nerds. Right now they are in line for the 4th seed and without much tape on this team they may be able to surprise a team that plays in a soccer stadium in a city that does not know they even actually play there. Watch for a fake punt, could steal the game.

The Minnesota Vikings

I would be remiss if I did not mention my secret love, the Minnesota Vikings. It is less of a love and more of a, “I staked my life’s worth on the fact that Kirk Cousins is a top ten QB and he was a good signing” but watch him throw what looks like the slowest swing pass in the NFL and tell me he is not ELITE. Firing John DeFilippo might have happened at the last possible second, but hey who could have known the guy who hasn’t called plays since he was doing it for Johnny Manziel and a 3–13 Browns team might not be good at it. Now revitalized with a new offensive coordinator a win gets them in the playoffs where anything can happen like a 70 yard touchdown, except I just crunched the numbers and ran a simulation of that play with Kirk Cousins as QB aaaaaaand he threw a check down to Dalvin Cook and he could not get out of bounds to stop the clock, damn so close. This team does not blow you out of the water, they do not do anything flashy, but if they beat Chicago this week, it might prove they can find a way to win against any of the playoff teams.

The Cleveland Browns

Look I know the Browns are “MatHeMaTiCaLlY ElImiNAtEd fROm tHe PLaYoFFs” but mathematically if the Colts and the Steelers have a head on plane collision this week them mathematically they can get in so suck it. I am sure then I will still have people coming at me that the Browns do not deserve to be in the playoffs (fuck you this is my tragic hypothetical fantasy). If you do not think the Baker Mayfield should be in the playoffs then look below and THINK AGAIN.

Pictured above, pure BDE.

Yeah, welcome to the meat show because Baker Mayfield got Hue Jackson’s eyes tattooed on the back of his own eyelids so that he can stare him down every time he blinks which works like spinach does for Popeye. All I am trying to say is, to the Colts and Steelers and you know what the Ravens too because fuck them, just forfeit your playoff spots if you know what’s good for you.

The Titans or umm Colts or Whatever

Wow, Sunday night football to decide a playoff spot; either of these teams have the ability to throw a wrench in the playoffs this year. Just kidding Tennessee are fucking trash, you think anyone is afraid of one and a half quarters of Marcus Mariota and then Blaine Gabbert for the rest of the game, but I know I know THE MEASUREABLES!!! Blaine Gabbert, 6'4" 235lbs, big hands, 50% completions 13–34 record as a starter, 3 other teams did not want him, watch out Colts you might have to score 14 points to win this game. The Colts will win this, they have had an up and down year, but Andrew Luck is not going to lose to the Titans and the Raiders in the same season, right? But in the playoffs where anything is possible, where the Colts can win 45 to 44 then come back the next week and only lose by 21 points. Nevertheless this rookie Darius Leonard Can wreck games and if they win this week they are projected to play the Texans who could go on to win the superbowl and I would still say, “well yeah but it’s not like they are are gonna win the superbowl.” Colts will go on to at least the 2nd round of the playoffs, lock in those bets now and call me a sharp.

The Miami Sharks

I don’t know what to say, really. Some coaches lose the team before the season even starts. Other coaches can get players to run through a wall for them. Tony D’Amato can get players to run through a wall for him. On this team you‘re gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows, when it comes down to it, his team is gonna do the same for him! That’s football guys. That’s all it is. No NFL coach can match up to Tony, and he is ready to prove it in the playoffs.

The Dillon Panthers

In Dillon, Texas one thing matters above all, and that is Panther Football. After Jason Street was paralyzed in week one the team thought all was lost. But nobody ever said football was safe. Coach Taylor knew his career was on the line here. Matt Saracen thrust into the starting role, Smash Williams is taking PEDs, and Tim Riggins is a 16 year old alcoholic. With drama like this you’d think someone made it all up. But, they are looking at you Dallas. You think you own the state of Texas but watch out because as they say in Dillon Clear eyes, full heart, CAN’T LOSE.

The Globo Gym Purple Cobras

Let me be clear, in 2004 at the ADAA Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open a tragic upset took place. Average Joe’s Gym with the help of Chuck Norris took the Purple Cobras by surprise, they were already declared winners then coming off that high they had to compete for the championship they ALREADY WON. This team has power, speed, and experience. Match up any player on this team with any player on the pro bowl roster and ask yourself, is there any way this is not the best team in the NFL? I think we all know the answer to that question. Player-Coach White Goodman will take his team to the promise land, only caveat is that since they only have 6 players they have agreed to find a 7th and will play 7 on 7 football, I do not know why the NFL agreed to it but don’t shoot the messenger.

Gritty

He is watching, always watching. He sees you sleep. He see you eat. He sees your dreams. He sees your fears. You can not escape him. If he shows up in your town, your team is doomed. Sleep with one eye open.

The Bullet Club

The Most formidable force in professional wrestling. You don’t believe in them, well they’re only here to prove you wrong. The first non-WWE wrestlers to sell out a 10,000 seat area in the united states since 1999 so you better believe their Fans Travel. They are Elite, they are champions, and 2019 is poised to be their year. The AFC’s 6th seed is theirs to take, and if they get their shot that would be TOOOOO SWEEEEET.

The Kardashians

Do I really even need to explain myself here, The Kardashians are the most fearsome team in the universe. They are undefeated and have taken down more athletes than cocaine in the 80s. One time a former husband of the group was left behind by the team then ALMOST DIED IN A BROTHEL! These women are dangerous and you can not even let them in the arena. You may think that is harsh but Tristan Thompson played 447 straight games, then Khloe shows up to games and now Tristian has to sit because of a “thumb injury.” From what I understand, if the Ravens win the Kardashians will be eliminated form playoff contention so godspeed Baltimore, godspeed.


These teams are hungry, they could come in with momentum, and they want to spoil. Watch out before they ruin your hopes and dreams.