If there be none, never mind it.
There is something I always believed in and I thought I will always believe in.
Relationships that are meant-to-be will last forever. Always.
Come way the ups and downs. Come way the darkest storms, all that you-and-I stuff will always stand on the face of this Earth, under the beautiful sky.
But as I grow up each day, I look into the eyes of all these relationships, mine and those of others around me and I realise that my beliefs stand on no evident grounds.
I was so busy living in my perfect world with perfectly played roles that I never realised that these ‘unbreakable’ relationships, whether they are the unconditional kinship ties, the best friendships or the happily ever after, their impenetrable ties could dissolve. They can fail, collapse under their own weight.
Sometimes what was most real to you would reach over to the other side of the looking glass and you would only be living in its shadow until it disappears entirely.
Sometimes it will all go away based on nothing but a trifle. You see, I loved coffee, he loved tea and that was the reason we couldn’t agree.
Sometimes the death of these relationships would happen so slowly, that it will all just slip by giving you nothing to work on. The poison that shrivels your relationship would be so diluted that neither of you would perceive it until it all has withered away.
Sometimes you will go through your entire life without making any effing sense out of it.
You see, to have a stable sense of your relations, there needs to be a stable sense of who you are. But that’s where the problem lies. People are always changing, for good or bad. Day by day you can become unrecognizable to others around you. Perhaps you can even become unrecognizable to yourself. When you realise that you are not who you had understood yourself to be or if you couldn’t comprehend the person in front of you anymore, the beloved attachment fades into something dry, brittle.
And the more I strived for never to be SO disappointed with my relationships that I might have to give them up, the more I stood injured by my inevitable failures.
It was then I realised at one point all relations will have to pass through feelings of weariness, distance and maybe even that pure cold hatred towards the other person. And it will always be up to you whether to meet it all with strength or with revenge.
Inevitably, there will come that unreliability, suspicion, muddle of emotions, illogicality and some meanness or lack of acceptance to bring out the unpleasantness that will break the relationship. And no sooner they will break. You will break.
I am not saying that people just leave, abandon that ship. They do make it work. They buckle up, hang on to it, they defend it, absorb the blow, protect themselves, protect the other, they cut out the contempt, they go home alone and have a good cry or they go home together, share a drink forget all about till the next day, they abuse, go through angry breakthroughs, throw temper tantrums, they do whatever it takes in the end all ready to connect again.
But the essence with what the relationship was formed gets forgotten, lost on the way. The damage already gets done, one too many times. The connect starts to hang by weaker threads, the mirror that you reflect each other in already in shards.
Call it my cynicism or experience but from ‘if you love someone, you will make it last forever’, I can safely bet that now I don’t even believe in meant-to-be’s.
And here I stand, in between adjusting to this new found truth and accepting it, on a search to find something else to ‘forever’ believe in, hoping that that one lasts.
So is there something you would never stop believing in?
Love? God? Happiness? Anything? Everything?
Please do share. I would love to know. And who knows maybe in your beliefs I will find my muse.