The First Step of Recovery

Confronting the Disease that is Sex Addiction

I want to have self-respect again, dignity within myself, and communal respect from family and colleagues, and respect from new acquaintances who will not suspect this past life of addiction. I understand that there are no clear definitions of the” normal” man, father, husband, lover, professional, etc. etc. But I do know that to take the form of any of those terms is to release the hold of one subjective that defines me: “Sex addict and provider”. I want to understand in myself the moral compass that I have lost, to regain it, and to affirm its values by giving to society in the days forward with the same energy that I took from it for the last 8 years. I seek a wholeness in myself that is projected to others, particularly with whoever I am in a committed relationship.

I am a sex addict, and a co-dependent on relationships in which I am the financial provider and my companion (temporary or long-term) is my servicer for sexual or emotional needs. I am an island, a world unto myself. I do not seek emotional or spiritual companionship with others, female or not, because I believe that the strength of a man is to be emotionally, spiritually, financially, and communicably alone. Thus, sexual relationships for me satisfy my basic needs for physical release, control, mastery of my environment, and self-desire. Emotional attachment in these instances will create further problems, my mindset goes, and demonstrates weakness.

Sexual addiction for me has been manifest in sexual relationships with sex workers or financial dependents who are not my emotional soul mates, with whom a committed relationship means some form of co-dependency — financial, sexual, or predatory emotional. These encounters occur through prostitutes in girly bars, strip clubs, gentlemen’s clubs, massage parlors, hotels, and even airports, where the lady is not entirely seeking a new relationship, but a financial “fix”. I often utilize my free-time, when uninhibited and in need of a pleasure rush, hunting, searching, or making the arrangements for these types of ladies to provide me with sexual pleasure.

When I am not actively within the “hunt” or engrossed in the narcissm of getting my next fix, I sometimes retreat into a proactively fantasizing about a reality/universe/alternate lifestyle in which I am free from my moral boundaries and current responsibilities to pursue a life of pleasure constantly. This fantasy life has blurred into the actions and motivations of my real-life and destroyed any feelings of guilt, moral responsibility, leadership, dignity, and self-love that should be felt my a “normal” human being, a non-addict, or a man happily carrying on his identities in life.

When not on the “hunt”, pleasures are achieved from memories or fantasies of this alternative life through masturbation and self-pleasure. I use internet porn, or porn in general, to visualize women and fantasies that I hope to achieve in this 3rd universe.

I conceptualize any female interaction — especially if the woman is potentially acceptable for sex — as a game in which I win if I can instill her desire of me — physically, financially, or emotionally—in her. Perhaps, I reason, that I can manipulate her into sex then.

I do not have any understanding or responsibility with the normal roles of a man in society, as a father, husband, caregiver, son, confidante, friend, leader, visionary, or guider.

I am motivated and addicted to getting my sexual needs taken care of. I am a sex addict.

This is my blog of how I started the process towards recovery. I hope you will learn something from all the pain that I have caused, and find salvation yourself in my words.