Taming a Wandering Mind

My heart hurts every time I speak; i’m heard but not understood. I break down, I crush and I feel hopeless.

I loathe disappointments neither do I like being sad, I deserve to live a happy, stress free life, free from unnecessary life misgivings; in a silent world where im understood by people who care to understand my point of view and care to listen, these are the most important people in my life.

I only take stress from things that add value to my life goals and define my purpose for living, things that put good money in my bank account because I know money is heartless; money doesn’t care how much I stress over it, it only cares when I put my words to practice and do real things that produce real results and good cash.

But how good am I at understanding people? One may ask… Good enough!

I’m no different from thousands of people like me who have been compelled to make very tough decisions and choose risky life options in a lifetime. The greatest honor I do to transform myself from one miserable state of mind to a more comforting frame of mind is the art of taking risks that scare life out of me, I can risk but that’s just about me trying to drive myself towards achieving my goals.

I almost give up everything most times things I care about don’t work right according to plan, I get this obnoxious feeling of self pity, uselessness and most often I fall into unnecessary depression and frustration; this explains a lot why I like living in a silent world, speaking a silent language that only me understands, I smile from the outside and crush inside.

What meets the eye is a lie of a happy soul but a true reflection of a dead human from the inside trying to unchain the fear of failure, fear of uncertainty and the frustration of not being able to fulfil promises that I make to myself.

I have learnt that failure is good, I have harvested and tasted success of my past failures, I have also learnt from each fail. In totality, I presently embrace failure.

I often feel betrayed by myself for not being honest, disciplined and ethical enough to respect and discipline myself, to be hard on myself and keep promises that I make to myself. The worst that can ever happen to anyone in this state is; people who do not understand your state of being tend to think they know you better than you know yourself, they become judges of your morals to socially sound correct.

I used to care about my reputation but things have changed, we try too hard everyday to live a positive ‘good life’ but what people seem to notice is everything we don’t do right, one negative view in this information age over-writes a thousand good deeds you have achieved in a lifetime. If you know who you are, not matter how awful people think you are, you will always be a good character deep down in your soul and heart, I tend to give people room to see all the positive and negative aspects of my life. I don’t have to be perfect anyway…

One thing I have come to learn over the years, never give ‘giving up’ a chance to drive your life. Learn to fight your fears in the best way you can, some people drink, pray, smoke, dance and party their troubles away; others prefer transferring the blame onto innocent souls like terrorists do, people who become victims of the unknown; I know people who would spend their money shopping, travelling or even spend it on the people that need it most in an attempt to fight their fears, most of them are known to many as philanthropists; all I need is silence for me to strategically fight my fears.

I do not simply fight my fears, I fight off my fears strategically, every time I get deeply emotional, I stay behind key and lock talking to my gods, by the time i’m done confronting my fears, I’m never the same again, I always come out a stronger man, a better version of the fearful me, extremely radical and twice wiser.

I no longer believe in the ‘friends to keep’ cliche, i’ve had good and bad friends. There is none that has ever been more friendly to me than myself. The gap between the poor and the rich; depressed and happy people can be bridged by the choices we make in life. We all have a choice to take control of our destiny, safeguard our feelings and emotions to an extent that no one can ruin them if we choose not to give them a chance to, I have come to learn this the hard way.

I have also come to learn that friendship is a relationship of convenience, you can sacrifice all for a ‘friend’ who is only as good as your good deeds last, there is always a hidden binding interest, in an event that the binding bond breaks, friendship ceases to be a relationship, it becomes a time-bound event.

I no longer believe in friendship, friendship has become so much like religion, the society has made us feel a little bit uneasy questioning the loyalty and principle of this religion especially to the ‘friends’ we are inclined to be loyal to; even when it hurts. You are your own ‘Best Friend Forever’.

Moral of this story:

At the beginning of the year 2016, I made a resolution to tell my story — to talk to like minded people, I also made a resolution to tell African stories; I’m slowly getting started.

Can Africa tell its own stories?

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