A letter to my father who didn’t exist

Dear Daddy,

I am writing this letter because you failed. You failed at being a father and most importantly you failed at being a human being. You utterly and completely destroyed my life and now, with you not even in the picture, you seem to still wreck havoc.

You were once a rock star in my eyes. You were once the stars in my sky and the ground under my feet. You could make me happy when I was an otherwise blue child. I loved you for it. I idolized you for it. You were my hero.

When I hit high school I finally realized you were trash. It was in high school that I told the world you sexually abused me for years. Years. It was so hard for me. This man who everyone thought was an amazing father for taking in a child that wasn’t his ended up being a monster. My senior year of high school was when I let the secret out, and it’s also when I started having non-epileptic seizures. Conversion disorder. Thanks for that.

You spent years of my life toying with my mother and myself and it worked. It made things even harder at home. You played games and you won. I hope you’re happy.

Now here I am. The shell of a human. I don’t go anywhere or do anything. The amount of anxiety I have to deal with on a regular basis is utterly ridiculous. No one should have to suffer the way I do. No one. I haven’t had time to cope with the end of a father and I’m already been told by those around me to suck it up and deal with it. You couldn’t even do me the favor of backing out of my life so I could start to cope at a young age. So as an adult I have to deal with normal adult things plus my abuse as a child AND the loss of a father. How could you do this to me? You said you loved me. So why would you let a little girl misunderstand the idea of love? How could you destroy an innocent little girl’s life?

What about the times when things got rough at home? You were supposed to be my super hero but instead you sat on the sidelines and never lifted a finger. You owed me more than that. You owed me safety and security. Although, I suppose it’s a good thing you didn’t help because then I would’ve been confused with the idea of help and safety coming with a price. My body.

Let’s not even mention the lack of support you gave me when I told you I was struggling with crippling depression. I was depressed for 4 years before I got help. At least. You told me I’d be stuck on pills for the rest of my life and I’d be a vegetable. “You don’t want that do you? I can’t have my little girl become a vegetable.” I already was nothing. I didn’t want to be less. I was scared for years about medication and still am because of that. I still think that medication will turn me into a useless excuse for a human being but the fact is, Daddy, I already feel like one because of what you did to me. Nights go by where I can’t sleep because I think of the terrible things you did to me. What you did fucked me up emotially, physically, mentally and sexually. What you did made me feel like a shell of a being. What you did to me opened my mind and made me realize I have a voice. I will never stop speaking out. I will never stop me from being an advocate to helpless children of abuse. I will never stop hating you for what you did. I gave you a chance to say you were sorry and to fix what you have screwed up. I gave you the chance to make things right and you used that chance to tell me you had no idea what I was talking about. No I don’t want a wedding gift and no I don’t want you to come to my wedding in October. You owe me more than that. You owe me more than buying my love to silence me. You will never silence me. Not as long as there is injustice in the world. I am no longer ashamed of my story. I am no longer afraid of people knowing because I did nothing wrong. So thanks for screwing up my life just enough for me to retaliate back by writing this letter and letting the world know what you did. The difference between you and I is I won’t use your name.

Sincerely,

The Little Girl Who Deserved Better