A Psalm of In-Between Places
My spiritual eyes open and I discover where I am.
Twilight.
Whether before sunrise or moonrise, I know not.
My feet are perched upon a log.
The round, musty, wood spans a dark chasm. How deep?
I know not. Deep enough to be filled with shadows and shouts of fear and doubt. I hear them calling to me: “You’re going to fall. You’re going to fail. You’re going to be the fool.”
I blindly walked onto the middle of this log. Whether by faith, or fear, or ignorance, I know not. Where was I headed? I know not.
My heart drumbeats a crescendo. My palms dampen. My skin crawls with chill-pimples. My legs wobble, balanced upon the uncertain see-saw-middle of faith.
What words did I speak? Did they begin a relationship or end one? I know not.
What work did I accomplish? Was it filled with purpose or empty with vain effort? I know not.
What is the condition of my body? It is weak from new healing or old illness? Is it male or female? Does it please or repulse others?
I know not. I know not. I know not.
My spirit is caught between birth and death, singularly stuck to the moment of this uncertain now. I hang suspended in time-space like a diver leapt from a cliff, but not yet in the ocean surf.
Even if I was told I must go back, I cannot. Only the steps before me, uncertain and round and soft they may be, can be taken. The footsteps behind me are gone like rotten planks. Even if I was compelled by the ever-rising pit voices to step backward, I cannot.
Divine Light, raise the full sun or full moon so that my steps are clear. Illuminate the firm places on my treacherous life-log. Fill my heart with the courage of an acrobat. Lift up my chin so that I may lock my spirit-sight fully upward and forward. Strengthen my legs so that I might walk fearlessly above this doubt-filled chasm of shadows. Deafen my ears to their shouts, which seek only to starve my faith and feed me with fear.
I may be only half-way, but I am half-way, nonetheless. I may stand only upon a round log, but I stand, nonetheless. I may have but twilight to illuminate my next step, but I have light, nonetheless.
Divine Light, I am stepping forward. Whether my foot lands firm or sinks into empty air, I know not.
Whether You are present with me, if I stomp or slip, I know fully.
You are ever-present in all my in-between places and in-between steps. I am ever in Your Light and ever in Your sight.
This, I know fully.
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Life is filled with uncertain transitions. This psalm is written as I face the end of a long relationship, of my work, of my current residence, and at the dawn of coming-out to those close to me.
I am transgender, trans-spiritual, and transformative. A Psalm of In-Between Places is an outgrowth of the ever-brightening illumination of my faith life.
