“It’s two mutually exclusive feelings at once.” I think that describes most of us who experience gender dysphoria. The sad thing in your case is the fear and depression that accompanies the dysphoria. Sad for you, and sad that it is also very, very common with us.
While it is difficult to overcome those feelings, it is not impossible. You didn’t mention a counselor in your story. If you haven’t seen one, I urge you to do so. What I’ve found is that being able to speak with someone who is familiar with trans identities and accepting of them gives me not only insights, but also that real sense of “peace” that you mentioned when you first told your partner that truth.
May your inner light shine forth!