Give Yon Tinder Creeplord A Chance!

“Weird vibes” are the fake news of feelings. Get out of your head and meet someone new!

Okay, his photo belies his stated age, and also shows him giving the thumbs-up to a Confederate flag. Who are you to judge? He could be fun!!!

Yeah the profile is littered with obvious lies. I mean Julius can’t manage a hedge fund and play pro football and serve as prince-regent of Luxempria, which is for sure not a place. But confidence is sexy! Remember, it’s better to be forthright than fact-right. Swipe right!

Who cares about spelling, it’s a dating app, don’t be a bitch.

“No fatties” is normally a dealbreaker but…if it’s a match that means he doesn’t think you’re a fatty, and that feels nice, doesn’t it?

He’s kinda cute in the taco bowl pic! Aww. Do it. Do it. Come on, it’s just the internet, it’s not like this means anything.

IT’S A MATCH!

Ooh he messaged you! Guess you’re not fat ; )

Sure, he used “pussy” more times than strictly necessary for an opening salvo on a dating app. But come on! It’s not like he’s grabbed your pussy, and you haven’t even given him the chance not to. Guys talk like that. Look, I didn’t want to say this, but you’ve kind of Tindered yourself into a bubble. And you’ve populated that bubble with men who don’t threaten to grab your pussy or pose in front of Confederate flags. Your elitism is showing. Going out with him would be a profound act of class solidarity.

No, it doesn’t matter how much richer he is than you. Reverse-classism is mad elitist.

Right. Yep. That was definitely a threat. Buuuut you don’t know if he’ll act on it. Delusions of prescience much?

Hey he wants to take you furniture shopping! That is a very sweet and normal date to go on. Isn’t the point of this to meet new people and have adventures? Give him a chance! You haven’t even met the guy. Didn’t you promise to work on being less judgmental?

IT’S A DATE!!!

Yep, clearly not the same person in the photos, and this is definitely not a furniture store. See where it goes! Live a little. He’s old but not that old. Well.

Judging by the paraphernalia on his car, his reverence for the Confederacy is genuine. Try to look past the multiple literal red flags to the authentic soul beneath!

Okay I see that he’s scrolling through his phone showing you pictures of his cool friends, all of whom are horrifying racists if not outright Nazis, but you’re not on a date with his friends, are you? Give him a chance!

Those are just words, don’t take things so damn literally.

Your throat is dry and your hands clammy and adrenaline has commandeered your basic survival instincts. Could u chill tho? You won’t know what he’s actually like until you take him home. Odds are he’s super great at restoring public highways. I’m sorry, I meant cunnilingus.

Just to be safe you should probably give him your house keys and security code.

It’s not your place to wonder what the deal is with all the mysterious folders labeled in Cyrillic. Lighten up.

Kind of strange how he keeps boasting about his wealth while also loudly proclaiming his refusal to pay for any part of this date? But also, kind of progressive, when you think about it.

You agreed to go out with him, so see it through. You owe him your attention now. Leaving would be very, very rude.

You’re the one who swiped right, weren’t you? Or even if it was the cackling frenemy who stole your phone, it doesn’t matter, it’s done.

No I don’t know who this other guy is or why he’s decked out in Russian military insignia and I don’t care. If you can’t even put yourself out there you don’t deserve happiness. The peaceful transition from restaurant to mysterious second location is the bedrock of modern relationships.

Wouldn’t it be better to get along, instead of fighting? Just do what he says.

Is it weird that he’s mentioned how hot his daughter is a couple times now? Yes, but so is the fact that he has a daughter, and a wedding ring, and is leading you into the back room of what is not a furniture store. But you won’t know what’s in that back room until you get there, right, so why speculate? Protest after something goes horribly wrong, not before.

Do what he says.

If you disobey you’re refusing to let him show how much he cares about you.

Be compassionate. Show empathy. Be kind. Listen.

Do what he says.

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That’s better! Look how tightly he’s holding your hand. Look how you’re smiling. Look how happy you are. All it took was one little chance.