The Power of Asking & Getting To “No”

When I was in college, my Conflict & Negotiation professor gave our class a fascinating and anxiety-inducing assignment.

Over the course of two weeks, we were to ask people (strangers, friends, co-workers, bosses, family members, other students, neighbors, everyone) for exactly what we wanted or needed. Maybe the ask was for a free burrito, or a ride to the airport, or a waiver for textbook rental fees. Maybe this entailed approaching someone and asking for $50 the morning after your wallet was stolen. Our goal was not to persuade people to say “yes” through bribery, negotiation, sheer force of will, or whatever charm a cohort of overzealous 20-somethings could muster. Our goal was to hear a flat “no” from at least ten people.

This made me so uncomfortable that I gave up before it even began. But I’ve thought about it a lot since the day I decided to forgo the extra credit and watch with disbelief as my peers succeeded beyond their expectations. Turns out, people really (really) want to say yes.

As a (more or less) full-fledged adult, I finally decided to try it. Finding myself at the beginning of a considerable career transition, I began to seek that apparently elusive “no” by asking for feedback, advice, informational interviews, introductions, free coaching sessions, help. I came up short. Professionally, it’s the best move I’ve ever made.

So I spoke with that professor and asked her why this works and how people should go about doing it when they’re looking to pivot, learn new things, or change their professional situation.

Abby Thompson: Who are you, and what do you do? Let’s start there.

Israela Brill-Cass: My name is Israela Brill-Cass, and I’m a professional conflict resolver. I am a recovering attorney since 1993, but in 1998 I was trained as a mediator. That sort of switched the light on for me. The reason I went to law school was to empower people to use their own voices and advocate on their own behalf, not to be their blunt instrument of force.

I started teaching Conflict and Negotiation, Mediation and Pre-law classes at Emerson College in 2012, but I had been teaching about resolving conflict more productively through mediation, case evaluation, and arbitration since 2003. In 2015, I launched my own company, Fixerrr with three R’s (rethink, respond, resolve) to help people stand up for themselves without knocking others down and to do conflict better. In 2017, I became Wesleyan University’s inaugural Ombuds (a neutral, independent, confidential resource for members of an organization or group.) And now here I am in 2020, trying to navigate the chaos just like everyone else!

AT: Can you walk me through that assignment you gave our Conflict & Negotiation Class?

IBC: The “No’s exercise” is based on an experiment created by Roy Lewicki, an author who does a lot of negotiation writing. The experiment takes place over a period of about 2 weeks in which students reach out in various ways and ask people for stuff that they want. They have to keep asking until they get 10 fresh “no” responses. So they’re trying to get people to say no to them. The reason this experiment is cool is because there’s really no way of losing at it. If you get 10 no’s, you get a bonus on the project, but I don’t think in the years that I’ve been doing this, that folks have received over 10 no’s more than 2 or 3 times. That’s hundreds of people having done this experiment.

You become emboldened to start asking for more and more. You realize that we as humans don’t like to say no just as much as we dislike hearing the word no. If you think about the last time that you were asked to do something that was in your capacity to do, you basically never looked at that person and thought “no.” You might say “no, but — I can do something else” and then the person is still getting something for having asked. You start realizing you can’t get anything that you’re not asking for.

There really isn’t a horrible consequence, either, so even if you hear the word no, you’re moving forward and building resilience. That’s critically important for anybody but especially for someone who’s trying to make their way or advance in a career, access resources, or get their needs met. You have to be able to hear no and pivot. It also reinvigorates your faith in humanity to hear the word “yes”… people really like to help other people when they get the chance. We just tend not to ask.

AT: Why do you believe this works psychologically? What does the research or data show?

IBC: We’re preconditioned, evolutionarily speaking, to not be lone wolves. Solos didn’t do well in the wild, they didn’t survive. So our genetic makeup leads us to want to be part of a community. Built into that is the idea that we want to be of value to others, so we remain part of the group for our own survival.

The other piece of this has to do with mirror neurons, it’s baked into our brains to feel good when we see people do good. It’s this idea of reciprocity, it’s part of us to think “if I get something, I feel obligated to give something.” So there’s a lot of psychological, physiological, and evolutionary research that says we really don’t want to say no to someone. For more on that, you should listen to Jeremy Rifkin’s TED Talk, The Empathic Civilization.

For folks coming into the job market that are looking to get their needs met, maybe someone is in a position to mentor you or answer your questions… remember, people love talking about their experiences, what they did, what they wish they didn’t do, this and that. If you can get your needs met by asking someone “how would you do this?” or “what would you advise?” people probably will respond. We love to talk about ourselves.

AT: When reaching out and asking someone that you don’t have a pre-existing relationship with, for what you want — whether that’s an introduction to someone, an informational interview, or even a request for advice, what’s the most effective way to frame it? What language works best?

IBC: Use transparency! Say “I’m new to the industry that you have achieved a lot of success in, and I would very much love to get your insight into what my next steps should be, or what you would have wanted to know when you were in my stage of this career.” You could even say “Right now, I’m focusing on connecting with people whose careers I admire.” That’s it! That’s really it!

AT: What would you say to young professionals or career transitioners who are hesitant to even try because they’re worried about being rejected or overstepping?

IBC: The worst thing that could happen is that someone says no. Then you’re no worse off than where you were before. You really will never know unless you try it. Some requests may go ignored, but if it’s someone you really admire, I recommend that you circle back one more time and make sure the message made it. If you don’t hear back again, that’s your cue, but don’t ever not reach out because you’re afraid of hearing “no”… you may not.

AT: How can someone who is currently working in a job, but may feel unfulfilled or paid less than their worth, be using this “get to ‘no’” ideology?

IBC: If you’re feeling like you’re undervalued or you’re underpaid, particularly in a challenging job market, I would say go and talk to someone who has the ability to change that for you within the company. Do your research, do your homework, make them understand why you feel like you’re not being valued, say “this is what I’d like to see/earn/do more or less of”, etc.

And remember to think about both monetary and non-monetary ways you can change your situation. If you’re thinking “this isn’t really my passion, I wish I could write more.” Ask if you can help write blog posts for the company. Get creative and try to fold what you love to do into your existing position.

AT: How does this exercise show up in your professional life?

IBC: I’ve always asked, when someone invites me to come and speak or present, if there’s an honorarium payment. Sometimes people are taken aback by that, but even if they are, I can always say “I teach negotiation, so if I don’t ask, shame on me!” but I never don’t ask for that. I would never want to leave resources on the table just because I didn’t ask.

Oftentimes, even if they don’t have the resources for honorarium, they’ll say “we can pay for your transportation, we can give you a free ticket to an event, etc.” it’s just critically important for people at every level to recognize that your time has value. You wouldn’t ask a plumber to come over for free and fix something. This is especially important if the work you do is more intangible, where there are deliverables but there’s no hard product. You need to value what you do if you want others to value it.

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I want to conclude by recognizing that it is a privilege to be able to safely ask for things. Not everyone will have the opportunity to chase the word “no” in pursuit of what they want.

And for those among us who were conditioned to be grateful for what we’re given, to never rock the boat or ‘overstep’, to remain silent when we don’t want to be, to know our place and stop asking for more, I really hope you keep trying.

It’s worth a shot, no?

YOU CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT ISRAELA BRILL CASS AND HER COMPANY AT FIXERRR.COM.

CHECK OUT HIABBYTHOMPSON.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE AUTHOR.