JUNE 14th, 2007
Wherein I get a much needed pep talk from the past.
On June 14th, 2007, my sophomore English class was asked to write a letter to their future selves. I had just turned 16 and was a week away from my emancipation hearing. I wrote about it directly to my future self. Now, I’m reading it and responding to that scared 16-year-old girl.
Next Tuesday you’re going to court. You’re scared and you’re trying to pretend it’s not happening. [It is, but that’s okay.] Especially not smack in the middle of finals. You’ve done so well this year that it’d be a shame to mess up those. [You won’t. Well, not all of them. Just the math final. But you won’t need it. In a few years you’ll be able to do math on your phone anyway.] But I think you’ll work twice as hard knowing you have to keep your mind off the hard stuff. Sometimes that’s a problem. Sometimes you don’t want to think about the things you have to, and get lost in the things you don’t. [Live from 2015, you still do, darling.]That’s why you’re getting a therapist soon. [Atta girl; best decision you’ll ever make] It’s not a bad thing and even though you feel a little ashamed, you’re relieved too.
There are so many things you want to do. [And you’ll do them.] You’ve had a terrible time figuring out a major or a career or even the type of person you want to be. [That’s because you’re not listening to yourself, only what everyone else is saying. You do figure it out, though.] You’ve changed a lot this year. Really grown up. [Yep, and not all of that was welcomed, I know, but you’re going to be better for it.] You have goals now: real, achievable goals and you have a plan to get there. [Don’t obsess about the plan, it doesn’t work out that way at all — but it still works out.]
Do you still want to join the FBI? [You’ll always harbor the fantasy, but never can given the health situation. Nice little dream though, wasn’t it?] Do you still hate kids? [Don’t hate ‘em. In fact, you have a nephew that you love and he loves you.] Do you still feel like you’ll never find love? [You do, for a while, but it’s not what you thought. So yes, you do still worry.] Do you still listen to the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack when you need to think? [Haha! Sometimes, in fact I was just talking with some friends about it the other day!] Do you still read a gazillion books a week? [More like a gazillion + 1] Are you still poor because you’re always buying new books with lunch money? [Yes, honey, but now you make money writing them!]
I hope you remember how hard you worked to get wherever you are now. Now, as I’m writing to you I’m thinking about you (me) reading it and it’s giving me strength just to know that you’ll (I’ll) get to read it. [You will, and you’ll be delighted.] Because you know, there was a long dark period of time where you thought you’d never get here, to this moment, the end of your Sophomore year. But you did. [Yes you did, sweetie.] You’ve got a lot more hurdles but they’re all pretty miniscule compared to what you’ve already done. [And the truly gut-punching ones will still hurt, but you will be prepared to grieve. You’ll always have more to learn about how to let people love and help you, though.] Or maybe they’re not. Maybe they’re just as big but you’re in better shape to handle them. [Bingo.] Maybe you’ve caught up with your racing mind. [Nope] Or maybe you’re still a little loopy. [Yep] It’s okay if you are, it’s what makes you YOU. It’s why the few close friends you have love you. It’s what will give you the confidence to find love — eventually. [You’re wise beyond your years. You will forget all of this, you will not love yourself this well in ten years — but I’m listening. I’m learning.]
Are you doing okay? [Tonight, yeah.] I wish I could hug you. [I wish you could too!]
I know how much it hurt to see your friends graduating. How just last night I was driving in the dark with Ethan, thinking about where we’d be in two years. [Should I tell you that you’ll stop talking to him completely? That you’ll think about him often, miss him dearly, wonder if it was all your fault? No, perhaps I’ll spare you that.] Challenging yourself is good but don’t take on too much. You don’t want to spontaneously human combust. That would do a number on your already frayed nerves. [Oh honey, if you only knew.]
I’ll wrap this up leaving a lot unsaid and wishing I knew more.[everything will be fine] It’s the old me writing to the new me. I don’t know how things will turn out on Tuesday, [everything will be fine] I don’t know what is to come, [everything will be fine] but if I can fool myself into believe I do, I’ll find a little peace. I guess that’s what faith is. [no honey, that’s anxiety and there’s medication you can take.]
Take care of yourself, [you too, sweetheart]
