The art of denying and hiding.
It was one of the most difficult questions I encountered through my life. It may be the most difficult at all when I was asked to write a short bio about myself.
For all my life I was searching for the answer carefully. For some reason, I didn’t want to know . I was terrified of facing myself and seeing what I really am and what I have become . I was afraid of accepting the fact that I can’t even recognize the face I see in the mirror anymore.
So, I kept denying and started to claim that I am not this person . I am not the one whom I see his face in the mirror . I am better than that . I used to be so I can’t be that bad nor that miserable .
Through all my failures in life ,and they are too many to be listed, I always told myself “All is well” .Whenever I got panicked that “No ! all is not well ,you dumb! You are in serious problem . You got to take an action.” I calm myself down “All is well or it is going to be sooner or later”.
I know that’s the cruelest kind of deception ever , to deceive yourself in order to sleep peacefully at night and get those “You must change” thoughts out of my head.
One day a friend of mine looked at me and said “You are not supposed to be like that”.This was like an alert in my head . I am going too far on that road that one day I won’t be able to return back nor ,and that’s the worst at all,I won’t even try .
My biggest fear now that I get accustomed to this way of life that I can’t get out of it .
“قل هل ننبئكم بالأخسرين أعمالاً الذين ضل سعيهم فى الحياة الدنيا و هم يحسبون أنهم يحسنون صنعًا”
This aya from Qur’an says that the worst kind of people are those who had lived their lives in a wrong way and,the worst of it,they think themselves to be righteous .
One of the worst consequences of denying that you have got a serious problem , is that you become an arrogant ignorant fucked up person.
Out of arrogance , I stopped asking God for anything . I believe I am capable of everything so I don’t need to ask or beg despite my countless failures ,I always blame everything and everyone except for me. I can’t admit that I did wrong . I am never wrong . I can’t either bring myself to admit my weakness desperately kneeling before God.
My prayers became a kind of a habit or a homework that has to be done regardless how much sincere I am in them.
At some point I was forced to see myself for what it is truly. I had to see this ugly lying deceitful face in the mirror. The face that I denied its existence for so long . That face became my true and only face now .
I have to admit my desperate need for God’s help , pushing myself much more and stop hiding my face under a mask .
I have to accept what I have become in order to recover and to return for the old me that I admire .
Some days I blame my failures on my mother’s death. May be if she is still there I wouldn’t have ended up like that. But what I am truly sure of is that I am not the son that can make her proud in my current case.
I think I betrayed her and her values so I don’t have the right to mourn her at least for now.