The Cook and the Insurgent
(short play about two Iraqi actors in Hollywood)
Characters: Falah (40s) / Rasoul (30s) / Ziad (20s) / Gus (30s)
/ indicates an intruption. Words in […] are translation of the Arabic and not to be spoken.
FALAH is sitting on foldaway artist’s chair. He is an Iraqi actor in his forties with thin, slicked back hair. He has a small pot of tea in front of him. He is drying a spot of the tea he spilled on himself. GENERAL SOUNDS OF WAR (GUNFIRE, JETS FLYING OVERHEAD, EXPLOSIONS, ETC) can be heard. FALAH is unperturbed. He pours tea then lights up a cigarette and sips the tea whilst puffing on his cigarette.
VOICE (off)
Cut.
The sounds of war stop.
ENTER GUS. He is a director in his thirties.
GUS
Thank you everyone. We’ll take a short break now. Be back here by half past.
(looking at a member of the audience)
Matt you were fabulous. The a.d. will fetch you from your trailer when we’re ready again. Ziad. Where is Ziad?
ENTER ZIAD. He is an Iraqi interpreter in his twenties, dressed in designer jeans. Wrap-around sunglasses are dangling from his shirt.
GUS (CONT’D)
Ah Ziad. Ask Rasoul….Rasoul come here.
(motions to someone offstage.)
Come here, yes.
ENTER RASOUL. He is an Iraqi actor in his thirties. He has one hand around his waist, roughly over the position of the kidneys.
GUS (CONT’D)
Is he in pain?
ZIAD
Day a’theek? [Is it hurting you?]
RASOUL
Mo-kolish [not very much].
ZIAD
He says he’s very fine.
GUS
Good…good…tell him he can take a break now….and not look so worried. It’s a very physical scene, mistakes are bound to happen on a first take. Tell him I was very happy with his performance….he is doing a great job.
ZIAD
(dismissively)
Imishi rooh [go away].
RASOUL
Shoo amshi? [What do you mean go away?]
ZIAD
Rooh istarah [go and rest]. Asher da’ga’eg [ten minutes].
(notices the puzzled look on Gus’ face so he addresses Rasoul in English)
Ten minutes and come back.
RASOUL goes to where Falah is sitting.
GUS
Fabulous.
GUS EXITS. ZIAD receives a phone call on his mobile.
ZIAD
Ahlan habibi! [Hello, dear]
ZIAD goes to the side of the stage as he carries on the phone conversation.
RASOUL
Where did they find him?
FALAH
The director?
RASOUL
No, I mean that Ziad.
(noticing Falah’s cigarette)
Do you have a spare?
FALAH takes out the packet of cigarettes from one of the side pockets of his jacket and hands it to RASOUL.
RASOUL (CONT’D)
Bless you, Falah.
(takes the packet with enthusiasm then realises it is empty)
What’s this?
RASOUL hands the packet back to FALAH who examines it, shrugs then puts it back in his jacket. RASOUL sighs and sits on a chair next to FALAH.
RASOUL (CONT’D)
You know what really bothers me? — I mean forget the rudeness and the arrogance. I could put up with that…but what bothers me is that he is not even interpreting properly.
ZIAD (still on the phone)
Hollywood habibi. Hollywood. Iek la’ad shino? [what else?].
RASOUL
I don’t think Ziad’s English is all that better than mine.
FALAH
It is.
RASOUL
OK maybe it is. But sometimes I feel /
FALAH
That’s not the problem.
RASOUL
I think he changes words. He doesn’t tell Mr. Gus everything /
FALAH
I’m telling you that’s not the problem. I hear him talking to the crew and his English is good.
ZIAD
Zeen. Zeen [Ok, Ok]
RASOUL
OK, so what’s the problem?
ZIAD
Ma’al salama Azizi [goodbye]
ZIAD hangs up the phone.
FALAH
The problem is that he was conceived with the sperm of many men.
ZIAD looks at FALAH. He didn’t hear fully what FALAH says but he senses that he has been insulted. ZIAD goes to a corner to eat his lunch (sushi and Coke). He struggles with the delicate chopsticks.
RASOUL
(laughing)
You nailed it.
FALAH
The sperm descended on his mother’s egg like the missiles that descended on our heads. You remember those nights?
RASOUL
How can I forget?
FALAH
You remember how our homes shook? Our teeth rattled? As they…
(he makes a gesture suggesting ‘fucked us’)
Well, it was the same with his mother’s egg. It didn’t know what hit her. Smart sperm, cluster sperm, nuclear-tipped sperm…every sperm you could find in Baghdad.
(beat)
So what can you expect from a boy made this way?
RASOUL
Not much, you’re right.
FALAH
Did Ziad tell you his surname?
RASOUL
Abdul something or other.
FALAH
That’s what he’s telling everyone here.
(beat)
It’s a lie.
(beat)
I’ve been thinking about this. Look at him. Go on. Doesn’t he remind you of someone? Take a good look. Can’t you see the features of his father…the drooping eyes…the full lips…
ZIAD gives up on the chopsticks and begins eating the sushi with his hands. He makes a terrible mess.
RASOUL
Ah..yes…yes.
(beat)
Who is it?
FALAH
Give you a clue. His father spoke good English; was practically Saddam’s shadow at one point…his Goebbels.
RASOUL
No! Is it?
RASOUL looks intently at ZIAD.
FALAH
I’m certain. I mean look at that nose. Unmistakable.
RASOUL
It is! Do they know? The producers, do they know?
FALAH
I don’t think they would care. This is a movie, not a truth and reconciliation commission.
RASOUL
The son of a bitch! How did he escape from Iraq?
FALAH rubs his fingers together indicating money.
RASOUL (CONT’D)
I am going to tell Mr. Gus….maybe he’ll fire him.
ZIAD EXITS.
FALAH
Don’t be stupid. Gus wouldn’t fire him! To him, we’ll seem like silly Arabs squabbling over nothing.
RASOUL
We have to say something at least.
FALAH
We say nothing. We have no proof. It’ll be his word against ours. If I were you, I’d focus on not getting the shit kicked out of you.
RASOUL
You saw that?
FALAH laughs and slaps his thighs, his entire body shakes with merriment.
FALAH
Saw it? Look at this.
(pointing at some part of his attire)
I spilled my tea I was laughing so hard.
RASOUL
He kicks like a mule that Matt Damon.
FALAH
I mean one minute it was all double O seven and the next, Laurel and Hardy. They have to keep that take.
RASOUL
Piss off.
FALAH
For the DVD.
RASOUL
It’s not funny, my ribs still hurt. I might have fractured-
FALAH
He is twenty years younger than you and-
RASOUL
(overlapping)
Not twenty!-
FALAH
(overlapping)
And about a meter shorter-
RASOUL
(overlapping)
You can really be annoying-
FALAH
(overlapping)
And with his feet barely touching you-
RASOUL
(overlapping)
Sometimes, you know-
FALAH
(overlapping)
He sent you flying across the street.
RASOUL
I was standing in the wrong place, that’s all.
(beat)
Damon, isn’t that the word for devil in English?
FALAH
The funniest part was you trying to avoid him. Your arms went up in the air like this.
(he imitates)
I thought you were going to break into a bollywood number.
RASOUL
Are you finished? Had your fun?
FALAH continues laughing and wiping tears from his eyes.
RASOUL (CONT’D)
This whole film is ridiculous. The plot is nonsense. Especially that bit where Matt’s character goes in search of Al-Qaida in Fallujah, a Fallujah that will look suspiciously like Casablanca.
FALAH
Computers….they can make it look like anywhere.
RASOUL
Well then why didn’t we shoot the whole thing back in London?
FALAH
OK, they can’t do absolutely everything, they still need….you know…
RASOUL
It’ll look like Casablanca, I’m telling you. Look at that girl
(he points at someone)
Do you see her? One of the extras; they have her in a white cloak. We don’t have such cloaks in Iraq. Ours are black.
FALAH
We don’t have lips like hers either….especially not in Fallujah.
RASOUL
Have you been to Fallujah?
FALAH
1989. We were touring The Government Inspector.
RASOUL
So you know what hard sons of bitches those Fallujians are.
FALAH
Sure I do, they booed us off stage.
RASOUL
And you telling me that Matt Damon- even with that silly beard he’s got plastered on- could walk into the city, locate the Al-Qaida cell just like that…and this is meant to be in 2004! When it all kicked off in Fallujah.
FALAH
It’s just a film. Relax.
RASOUL
It’s an insult.
FALAH
Better to be insulted like this…in beautiful Casablanca than by a young twat at the benefits office.
RASOUL
I played Othello once.
FALAH
So what? I played Hamlet. If it’s in Arabic, it doesn’t count.
RASOUL
The critics said my performance was the best-
FALAH
The critics were Iraqi. They don’t count either. Probably all fled to Jordan now… Europe if lucky. Cabbing, wiping tables, wiping other people’s shit….
(talking more about himself now than about the critics)
losing all their savings to a criminal who promises to smuggle them into Greece or Italy…or England.
(beat)
Look, it’s not so bad. We work few hours a day, we get paid, we hang out with voluptuous Moroccan women, recite some Nizar Qabbani to them, get stoned, get laid. What’s so bad about that? OK, you get your arse kicked by Matt Damon and I play the dodgy cook who tries to-
RASOUL
(overlapping in an exaggerated dramatic style)
- who tries to poison American soldiers in the green zone…but then just before you have the chance to put your diabolical plan into action, one of-
FALAH
(overlapping and catching the tone of Rasoul’s send up of the film they are shooting)
One of the soldiers saves my son’s life-
RASOUL
During a rocket attack that I mastermind to avenge my daughter.
FALAH
The smoke clears. I see the US soldier coming up over the rubble, carrying my wounded son in his arms and-
RASOUL
And that’s when you become pro-American.
FALAH
And vow to fight Al-Qiada. ‘I won’t let them highjack Islam’. What a line! Bound to become a classic.
RASOUL
This is so humiliating. Why are we doing this piece of shit movie?
FALAH
Do you want to be back in London, hanging out with the despondent and the depressives, counting your pennies at the pub, dying a slow, dishonorable death? Me…I’d rather catch gonorrhoea right here.
(beat)
Did he kick you hard?
RASOUL
I’m afraid to touch it. I’m fucked if it’s broken.
FALAH
Let me take a look.
RASOUL reluctantly lifts up his shirt.
RASOUL
Tomorrow Matt has to throw me out of a second story building.
FALAH
You call that a bruise? You know sometimes I forget you left Iraq before me.
RASOUL
What’s that supposed to mean?
FALAH
It means you didn’t suffer enough.
(shouting to Ziad)
Ziad! Tell Mr. Damon not to go so easy on him next time or this movie will stink even more than it already does.
FALAH is laughing.
RASOUL
(shouting to Ziad who is offstage)
Don’t do it!
(beat)
I know who your father was!
FALAH’s laughter dies down.
FALAH
I took it seriously at first. I mean when you’ve been out of work as long as I have and then you get the call…and they tell you the magic words: it’s a movie. You don’t see beyond that. First day on set, I have my list of questions, right….the questions I didn’t dare ask at the audition, simple questions about the background of my character. What was his life like before the occupation? To which Sunni tribe does he belong? Is he from the city or the country? Basics. Gus looks at me, with that donkey look he sometimes has, then he says: ‘He is you. He is you as a cook’.
ENTER ZIAD. He is holding a copy of the script.
ZIAD
Rasoul, ta’al [come here]. Gus ye-redak [Gus wants you].
RASOUL gets up.
FALAH
(exaggerated)
May the forces of Allah be with you, my son.
RASOUL
(to Falah)
Shut up.
ENTER GUS.
GUS
Did he get that bruise seen to?
ZIAD
Ahad shaf al waram malek?
RASOUL
(with hesitation and plenty of nodding at Gus)
Na’am [yes].
ZIAD
He says yes.
GUS
Wonderful.
(looking at the same member of audience picked out earlier)
Ah Matt, you look rested. Ready to go? Fabulous. OK, Matt…what you did earlier was great but this time I wanna see a little bit more…I don’t know…fire, I guess. Don’t forget, your buddy….Ryan…he raped this man’s daughter…Rasoul’s daughter. You can’t live with the guilt. So you take it out on him. You want to hurt Rasoul. And you hurt him, you hurt him real bad. All your marine might just…you know…gushes out. It’s an instinct. But then…you know when you get to…what’s the line?
ZIAD flicks through the pages of the script. GUS glances at the pages then remembers.
GUS (CONT’D)
We took the line out, didn’t we? Now that moment…the change….it comes as you’re smashing Rasoul’s face into the ground…..something just breaks. Inside.
The guilt you’ve been storing up…it just….you’re like the little boy who takes his finger out of the hole in the dam…you get me?….we see your vulnerable side…you stop punching his face and instead you hug him… this Insurgent…this man…this father…the father of the girl your best friend raped. All you can say is ‘I’m sorry’. Over and over. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry’.
(beat)
Rasoul, you don’t say anything.
ZIAD
Te’thal men-cheb wa saket [you stay fucking silent].
RASOUL
Ibn al Kaleb! [son of a dog].
GUS
(to Rasoul)
No, no, no. You stay…..completely…..silent.
RASOUL nods. He is resigned.
GUS (CONT’D)
Matt, come on. Let’s go for a take!
RASOUL, GUS AND ZIAD EXIT. FALAH goes to the front of the stage.
FALAH
(to the audience)
I’m so happy to have you all here. I’m going to do something I’ve been fantasizing about for a long time. We’ve locked the doors, there’s no getting out. Tonight you’re mine and I’ll be yours.
(takes a big breath then…)
To be or not to be: that is-
A military jet flies overhead, drowning out FALAH’s speech. He doesn’t get to finish the line.
THE END.
© Hassan Abdulrazzak
For performance rights, please contact the author via twitter @abdulrazzak
