It’s not okay that after all of the times I was violated, I just started randomly fucking guys in order to feel more in control of my sexuality. I had one boy that I consistently had sex with, on a “friendly” basis. One night, after a mere three drinks, I blacked out so bad that all I remember are flashes of him leading me to different parts of the house and having sex with me. I woke up with blood all over my underwear and shirt, and developed a urinary tract infection three days later. Why he had to be so rough with me, I will never understand. It’s not okay that I had to find out about his HIV status from his best friend, rather than him, and it’s not okay that he overdosed on heroin before I had the chance to talk to him about it. It’s not okay that despite the fact that he treated me like nothing but a prostitute, a piece of meat, and a place to blow his load, I had developed unhealthy, fucked-up feelings for him…because I didn’t think I deserved any better.