44–8-love

After Love died, I did an internet search for “What is love.

It’s not that I did not know what love was but, rather, I wanted to see if someone could articulate what I had felt/was feeling…because it had been such a long time for me [since the last time I had felt…]…and I wanted to see it in words. I am a lexophile and an empath. I was comforted by the many poetic and nonsensical descriptions of love. I felt them.

I used to write poetry long ago, in notebooks and then on Blogger before blogging was even a thing. It was about emotions, mainly love. I have always known what love was — what it looked like (or at least what I wanted it to look like), what it felt like. And I have had few problems articulating anything in my life.

I have loved many. In fact, early last summer, while taking an intimate stroll in the depths of Floridian nature with Love, I told Him that I had loved all of my lovers (even they don’t know this, explicitly). I explained this as nothing extraordinary — just a love that I had for the men who had care and concern for me/my body during our relations[hips]. Love was a keen listener and I enjoyed sharing the details of my past that most men wouldn’t want to hear.

Falling in love with Love was nothing I planned. I didn’t want any parts of it being a remote possibility and I told Him this. I just wanted a friend. He had already been my lover for some time. So, it took me by complete surprise when I told Him I loved Him. It spilled out of my mouth one night when I was on top of Him gazing into His blue eyes. I had considered it weeks prior to that moment, but I brushed it off and talked in circles — something He told me I was fond of doing in the past.

We made so many love declarations and promises during our short time after that:

I love you. I will always love you. I will love you no matter who you are with or where you are. I don’t need you to love me. I promise…

Sounds like we were getting married! LOL. But the beauty of it was that there was no constraint on the love. It didn’t mean we were going to be together or live together. It didn’t mean we would see one another every day. It didn’t mean we would ride off into the sunset. It was free. Love was free. Love was freeing.

About a month or so ago, I started reading articles on Medium about love. These posts were different from your typical line of love articles. They were/are a well-composed, succinct, no holds barred type of writing. And I thought I was down with the style. It made sense…until one day it didn’t.

One day, while reading some more of these posts, I finally figured out that the love was missing. Love was missing from the writing. It was so matter-of-fact, almost scientific. I never felt scientific when I felt love, and I’m a scientist at heart. And so I wondered why people even look for definitions of love in the first place. Why do we let other people define love for us? Why must their definition of love fit ours? Why should we make our love fit their definition? What fucking bit of difference does it make if our versions of love don’t match?

I have no problem with telling someone they are my Everything. I told Love this (that He was my Everything) the last day I saw Him. And I’m glad I did. He was my Everything in those last months that I had Him. I did not even know such a thing could exist. I wasn’t seeking it. But more than that, I had denied its existence.

I have no problem with someone telling me that I complete them. Love told me this (that I completed Him) on the last day that I saw Him. I don’t think He was not whole for one second. I believe He was missing something and I happened to have it. I, too, was missing something and He happened to have it. We already knew each other and had been intimate. The magic only just happened a year ago. Timing was always bad for us…until it wasn’t.

I am thankful for this. I do not think words can express how I feel about knowing that He — We — could feel this before He died.

I stopped reading those love posts. I’m going to stick to the dirty, unabashed, off-grid, heart-warming, you light up my life, I am nothing without you type of love musings.

44 weeks, 8 weeks remaining. Love still here. Death couldn’t take it.

Here’s a lovely song by Pebbles (with Cherelle and Johnny Gill) that I recently dug up from my childhood. It is on replay in my head every day since I re-found it. So potent and beautiful. I could have written this last year. Emphasis mine.

Cherelle?
 Yes, Pebbs
 Have you ever loved someone so much
 That you feel it deep down in your soul?

 Girl, I truly have
 Well, this is how I feel about the one I love
 Let’s sing it together

Always boy, I never knew a love like you before
 You came into my life and gave me more
 You are my friend, also my man
 And I’ll love you always

You, you just don’t know what you’ve done for me
 You gave me love and now I’m complete
 You are the sun, the only one
 And I’ll love ya always

Baby, don’t leave me
 Don’t ever desert me
 I’ll promise my life to you
 And I’ll love you always

Baby, don’t leave me
 Don’t ever desert me
 I’ll promise my life to you
 And I’ll love you always

I, wish I had known that you’d come for me
 I was a soul that was lost and incomplete
 You were my friend, and now you’re my man
 And I want you always

I, I just don’t know what came over me, boy
 You touched my soul and let me feel free

 Always be there, and baby don’t be scared
 ’Cause I’ll love ya always
 Baby always

Baby, don’t leave me
 Don’t ever desert me
 I’ll promise my life to you
 And I’ll love you always

Baby, don’t leave me
 Don’t ever desert me
 I’ll promise my life to you
 And I’ll love you always

My friend, you’re my man
 I do, I do, I do
 I do love you

You, you should know now that I’ll never leave you
 Well, I’ve searched the land and now I’ve found you
 You are my man
 My only man
 And I’ll love you always
 Always

Baby, don’t leave me
 Don’t ever desert me
 I’ll promise my life to you
 And I’ll love you always

Baby, don’t leave me
 Don’t ever desert me
 I’ll promise my life to you
 And I’ll love you always

Baby, don’t leave me
 Don’t ever desert me
 I’ll promise my life to you
 And I’ll love you always

Baby, don’t leave me
 Don’t ever desert me
 I’ll promise my life to you
 And I’ll love you always

Baby, don’t ever leave
 Don’t ever leave me, please
 I promise unselfishly
 To love you always

Baby, don’t ever go
 Don’t ever leave me, no
 All the things that we’ve been through
 Still love you always

Baby, don’t you ever go
 Don’t you ever go
 Never leave you, no
 You must stay always
 And I’ll love you always

Baby, don’t you ever go
 Don’t you ever go
 Never leave you, no
 You must stay always
 And I’ll love you always

Baby, don’t ever leave
 Don’t ever leave me, please
 I promise unselfishly
 To love you always

Baby, don’t ever go
 Don’t ever leave me, no
 All the things that we’ve been through
 Still love you always

Baby, don’t you ever go
 Don’t you ever go
 Never leave you, no

Read more: Pebbles — Always Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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