come and be obsessed

I haven’t allowed too many man the privilege of releasing in my body — not necessarily because I think of my body and sex as a prized possession, but rather I never wanted to be anyone’s come dump. Come dump = Trash can. That’s what I thought of vaginas as. I have been on my back many a time thinking,”Oh no, you’re not about to be a come dump.”

Love and I got at it bareback starting last summer. We had experienced it a couple of years before and it was never going to happen again [on my account]. (That story is to be told later.) When He would be approaching His limit, He would always ask me where He could put His product (okay, except for this one time…two times). I thought that was so thoughtful. No one had ever asked me before.

So He put it where I allowed Him. And then He stared at it. Each time. Then He would stare at me. He would say, “I never come this much.” Each time. I have never, ever seen a man be obsessed with and/or marveled by his own ejaculate. But I otherwise thought nothing of it.

But I did think of it later down the line. I thought: How can a man come any more than he usually does? What man keeps track of the quantity of his products? What exactly is He comparing it to? I knew that He pleasured Himself daily — maybe He was comparing it to that. I knew that His marital sex life was unacceptable to Him — He couldn’t have been comparing it to that because who pulls out with their wife? I knew that He slept with some other women in the recent past. Was that the comparison? The thought terrified me — not because He had slept with other women in the recent past, but because it might have meant that He slept with everyone without protection (which is something I typically don’t do simultaneously). Overall, the answer didn’t really matter. These are just things that tossed in my mind.

Anyhow, the amorous gazes before, during, and after sex should have clued me in to how His feelings for me were changing. But all I could focus on was not being a come dump while being entertained by His antics.

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