irreplaceable
Within the first few days after Love died, it became obvious to me that there would only be one way to “get over” Him: Find someone else.
When stated so blatantly, it seems so…disrespectful…No, that isn’t the word I’m seeking. But people move on and “replace” people all the time. I assume that’s why I see people on the market soon after the culmination of their previous relationships, all the while still stalking or doting on their exes.
Even the family in What’s Wrong With Aunt Diane “replaced” their two dead children with a new baby and “found” happiness — and this was after the two parents had made a murder-suicide pact but couldn’t decide who would do the murder and who would do the suicide in order to get to heaven with their children.
People always tell you not to live in your memories (when those memories involve trauma and the death of a loved one)…to let go of the past in order to move forward…in order to live. But what if you don’t want to let go? Does that mean you won’t live?
I knew and know that I will not find another Bo. He was my total package. He was My Everything. I love Him unlike any other man in my history. That’s not to say that there isn’t another man like Him, or that I cannot feel a similar way for another person. I cannot know these things. However, I believed that if I could feel a fraction of what I felt with Him, with some other lover, old or new, that the journey through this grief wouldn’t be as cruel.
Maybe that’s why I tried fucking my way out of the grief. It was my attempt to use tools with which I am familiar, to feel something other than this pain. Unfortunately, the feelings I get are as brief as the amount of time the sex lasts…5, 10, maybe 30 minutes. Then nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like it never happened.
During those minutes, I try to live in the moment, hoping to forget about what I’ve been through…hoping that the sex would at least be comparable, or enough to wear me out into mental fatigue. Nope. At least once, I thought of Love during the act, knowing that He would never fuck me like that; but it helped me to get through it fantasizing about Him.
And then I realized, that in order for this to ever work for me, I would need a man that is loving and courageous enough to be able to love me around the love I have for Bo. I need someone who will acknowledge it, and add to it. That is the only way to “replace” Him. It is really to honor Him/Us…to respect me…to allow me the space to continue to remember Him and Our love.
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These are the links within this story. Read them at your leisure for greater understanding, curiosity, or confusion.
