my grief support

abeni doula
3 min readDec 1, 2016

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In the aftermath of Love’s death, I found a grief support group. I figured I could go there to relieve my isolation and share in the experiences of losing someone. I was hoping that there would be someone there with a loss similar to mine..the most similar thing I could come up with was the loss of a spouse, though I recognize how different that would be.

I actually hate going to grief group. I have gone 3 times. I have skipped every other week on accident, I think. All I do is cry. I haven’t even gotten past introducing my name before I start crying. In fact, when I get to the parking lot, the tears began to well.

The other members have introduced themselves to me and given me a blurb about their losses….dating back to 30 years ago. They tell me to keep coming back because it is helpful.

I don’t know if it is helpful. And I still feel a sense of isolation while in the group. First, the advertisement for the group said all denominations/faiths and no faith/religion welcome. Well…I should’ve known better…because the location is at a church. This group is definitely biblically based. I don’t belong there. They use the scripture and talk about God, and Jesus A LOT. They pray. I probably shouldn’t have come back after the first time.

They watch a video every time and sometimes I look at it, to see who is talking and the caption under their name for who they lost and how. Sometimes, I stare into space. My sadness and ADD won’t let me pay full attention. The videos are long.

I am the youngest person there. I have the most recent loss (No one knows this except the moderator because I had to write it on the intake form). No one there has lost a “boyfriend” though there are one or two that have lost a spouse. I am agnostic. I feel completely out of place, and like I am just a ball of exceptional weirdness 360 degrees around. I don’t even want to speak, if I could, because I feel like my story would blow their biblical minds. But these people are warm and compassionate. I don’t want to be grieving for 2, 3, 4,8, 20, and 30 years. Their pain is great. Overwhelming.

But I keep returning because I’m hoping to learn from others. And I’m not afraid of religion, I just hate the rationalizations that my thinking brain has always rejected. I digest the bits and pieces that are applicable and ignore the rest.

More importantly, I go there to be free to cry. I can’t cry in my house because I noticed that it upset people. Once everyone in the house seemed to be “over it” I couldn’t interrupt their healing. When I was at Wawa the other day and felt like I would break down and told my family member why, they started acting weird. So I cry in my room at night, in the car during long drives, at therapy, and at group mainly. I was even embarrassed to cry yesterday, thinking, damn, how many sessions are you going to cry at. So I went in the bathroom to cry. But then I ended up crying back in the room anyway.

Please tears, stop. I would like to be numb now.

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abeni doula

I am hurting like hell over the sudden, tragic loss of a Man who had given me so much Life in recent months.