october memories on this date

Saturday, October 15, one year ago, was the last time I saw Love. It was supposed to be an ending of sorts. I didn’t know it would be final. I wish I could take it back.

I remember it vividly. I remember His face. I remember us laughing and embracing but then being so serious. I remember how it felt to see Him walk away — drive away. He went to go get back on the road to Uber. Gawddamn Uber.

This was my reflection from last November:

the anger, the regret, part 2

So we are on the road to tapering the relationship, taking it 1000 notches down.

One week later, Saturday, October 15, 2016, Last time I see Love.

I leave my phone in the car on accident while in the gym. I get back in the car, surprised to see a missed call from him. I immediately call him back. He says he’s in the area and asks if he could see me. He always “asked.” 99.99% of the time I said yes, but remember, we were tapering now.

I said yes. I wanted to see him badly and he was already in the area. Actually, he was sort-of in the area. He is so silly.

I get home and wait for him, believing I don’t have enough time to shower and that’s fine because we weren’t supposed to be seeing each other, so this would be brief.

Well, we talked for at least 2 hours. As usual, we couldn’t believe the time had passed by. I talked about how I was serious about not wanting to see him. I told him it was for me. I told him I needed until past February. I reminded him that I didn’t ask for any of this — that I specifically told him from the beginning that I didn’t want this. I didn’t want exactly this situation to happen. “But it did,” he said. It seemed so easy for him sometimes.

He reminded me that he was supposed to be helping me to find someone [for me to be with] and how at a certain point, I had rejected the idea. I told him that I wasn’t ready at that time, and how could I be when I had him fulfilling ALL of my needs. He just looked at me. I knew he didn’t want things to be like this. I wasn’t sure that he would really “honor my wishes” in the long run. But at least I said it and I was serious about it when it came out my mouth.

I told him,

“You are my everything.”

He looked puzzled, serious, but pleased. He asked, “Why are you telling me this now, right now?

I didn’t know. But because he was my everything, I needed him to fade away. This couldn’t be good, right?

He hugs me. He pulls me across him. We lay twisted around one another, talking about the future, not our future together, just the future. We rub each other and look in each other’s eyes. As usual.

He stares at me. He always did. I mean from the moment I met him several years ago. We kiss, we have a nice time. He reads my face tells me I go through 4 emotions in 1 minute. He describes what they are. He is right. There was pain in my heart, I didn’t want to do this. But this stupid thing called “morality” hits me from time to time and I try to be the bigger person and do things for the greater good. And besides, how was I going to find someone for me, when Love occupied all of my time, thoughts and desires.

I stand up and face him as he stays on the bed. I want him to know I’m serious. He says,

“You complete me….. I still love you. And I miss you. And I’m going to keep checking on you.”

….It was a hard goodbye. I have written about this goodbye a couple of days ago. I wish it never happened. I wish I never said any of it. It wasn’t worth it. I didn’t even really have the “morals” which were momentarily inconveniencing me. From the beginning of the summer, Love and I had decided, before the love declarations even, that we were just in something that existed just because it did, and that nothing else really mattered. We believed that we already existed somewhere else, and that that’s was why this was so fast and easy. Finally. Love had chased me for years. I was the runner.

After he drove off, I texted him something like this:

“Please don’t contact me about coming to see me until March. It hurts me when I have to tell you no.”

He texted back a bit later that he would honor my request.

I know that hurt him, because it hurt me. He came to me for Love. He gave me love that I didn’t want but obviously needed. It was perfection even in a backdrop of a mess.

***

I read this, feeling every bit of it like it was the other day. I guess it could have been worse. And yet it doesn’t help me from feeling that I did the wrong thing at that time. But there’s nothing I can do about it now.

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