probably shouldn’t watch grey’s anatomy

After having the laugh about the special bag and the Trojan last night, I decided to watch Grey’s Anatomy. It’s not something I really watch, but I had seen an episode recently and decided to pick the next episode to pass some time away.

Wrong fucking episode.

It was about a white male patient that was in a MVA and the entire show was the doctors operating on his insides and describing the condition it was in and what to do about this and that to save his life and as the patient kept bottoming while they were trying to humanize him.

I can be extremely visual and imaginative (I live in my head) so I imagined everything that you think one could imagine in a situation like this.

Even though there are times I wish I could’ve seen Love in the hospital after the accident, I think I am glad that I don’t have the visuals of him in blue, surrounded by blue, lying on a table/bed, hooked up, machines, hospital noises. I don’t know him like that. And I hate hospitals. I remember him and our somber mood, the way I last saw him on Saturday, October 15, 2016 — exactly 7 days before the accident.

So I coped with the aftermath of that episode by first trying to read a book until I was sleepy. Then, I turned on my candles to blue, put on my necklace, and talked to Love briefly, in short sentences — -because if I make them long, like a drawn out conversation, then I might just be going crazy.