thanksgiving? i lived.

I made it through Thanksgiving. I didn’t go anywhere. No one called to invite or confirm invitation, and that was cool. I spoke to a Friend. Got a text from an ex. Texts from family and friends. Phone calls from family. I got to talk about Bo a little bit here and there. Everyone was doing their own thing.

I cooked a little bit. Didn’t stress too much over it. Decided not to do the stuffing because I was a bit overwhelmed. I knew I could make it another day. I ATE THE FOOD! WOW. Not much…almost like a baby plate, but I did it. Everything turned out nicely.

And I think it was okay because yesterday, I got out in writing most of what was bothering me. Summary:

I am angry because of Love’s choices that resulted in his death.

I am angry with myself about pulling away from him during what would be his final two weeks on Earth.

I regret my own actions in the way that I tried to change things during his final two weeks.

I feel responsibility for his death in a way because I feel that I could have altered the course of events, even that night, though not particularly that night.

I feel the pain of his family, even in my isolation from them.

I thought of him constantly throughout the day. I remembered more and more about how he used to contact me and want to see me at the most inconvenient times [for me]. I thought we kinda just faded in and out over the years. This memory was untrue. As I reflected, I realized that Bo probably contacted me at every opportunity that he could. It’s just that I mostly said no.

And the night did not end without me talking to him and more tears. And more tears this morning. But it was okay.