tuesday, october 25, 2016

I’ve been to the city Love and I last were several times in the past 30 days. I didn’t realize how it affected me, particularly since yesterday I went alone. I looked at the calendar….Let’s go back exactly 3 weeks from yesterday:

Tuesday, October 25, 2016 06:49

text msg to Love: “Your big week. Congrats. You made it.”

That was before work. He would’ve been at my house under normal circumstances. So, I knew it would evoke an immediate phone call from him.

He didn’t call. The day went by. He didn’t text back. Hmmm. NOT like him in the least bit. I didn’t text again. We were supposed to be “chillin out” aka moving apart/taking a break, courtesy of my expressed desires. But still. I went about as normal. I went out to breakfast celebrating a family member’s birthday. I also had a headache.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016 19:21

text msg from an old/current lover on the other side of the Bay: “Coach Bo died in a car accident.”

me: “What are you talking about”

old/current lover: “Coach Bo died in a car accident.”

me: “No When.”

I immediately searched for it on my phone. Hoping it was a joke or that he was somehow fishing for info since I believed that this person had NO idea of my relationship with Love. I found an article from Saturday, October 22, about an accident of an Uber driver, Robert J. Marthaller, but it said life-threatening injuries.

Ok, ok. There is time.

Then I looked for another article from Tuesday, October 25, which said, Uber driver, Robert J. Marthaller has succumbed to his injuries that morning.

That morning.

My heart and stomach were ripped out of my throat and I began to shut down. I began crying in the oddest way. All I kept repeating is “MY friend. MY friend. I don’t understand. I don’t understand.”

It isn’t that I didn’t believe my old/current lover when he told me. It is that I IMMEDIATELY believed him, solely because Love did not text me back or call me. It only made sense. And who wants to believe that death is the only reason that someone didn’t communicate with you.

I checked all over social media. Everyone knew. The accident was several days old and there were prayer requests. The death had happened in the morning and here it was late evening. Who was supposed to tell me if not this old/current lover who is connected to all things St. Pete? I hate him for telling me. But how long would I have not known had he not told me? Again, WHO would have told ME in this situation Love and I were in? No one.

I thought of if I had known about the accident that previous weekend, how I would have begged his family to let me in the room. They would have been confused. Who am I? Why is this so urgent? What do I say? I envision myself seeing him all fucked up. His injuries (no photos) were posted on FB. He had been totally fucked up. What would have been my reaction? I pictured myself asking for permission to touch him…grab his hand, rub his head. Talk to him and ask him if he were present. Could he hear me? It is me. I love you. If you are already gone, I’ll see you later. And if you are here, come back, please, I need you.

Love is a strong guy. Surely, nothing like the physical strength in his younger sports days. But strong-willed, ambitious, bull-headed. This car accident fucked life out of him.

As I sat in the Memorial service several days later, the pastor told everyone that Love was revived at the scene. He was speaking of the good that had happened out of all this. I rolled my eyes. He said Love was revived by the paramedics and lived so that all his loved ones could come and be by his side, significantly even his mom, from Oregon. I guess. All that talk is for the the comfort of the living, I understand. It was always my hope that he never saw it coming and that he was immediately gone on impact. No suffering. No consciousness.

MY Friend, my LOVE did not deserve this shit. He did not deserve this tragic death. He didn’t deserve death to take him right now or any time soon. Fuck you, death…and Fuck you, Uber.