what 28 feels like

This past week marked 28 weeks. Seven months is a big deal as it is now greater than half a year since Love’s been gone. I couldn’t have imagined this 27 weeks ago. There is still a sense of disbelief that lingers in me.

I can’t believe that He is gone.

I can’t believe that HE is gone.

I can’t believe that He is GONE.

I can’t BELIEVE that He is gone.

I CAN’T believe that He is gone.

But it’s not like I believe that He is coming back. I know I’m not in a nightmare. The text message, “Coach Bo died in a car accident,” continues to flash before my eyes, but only inside those eyes in my brain. Memories, is what they are probably called. Trauma is what it feels like.

I wish that He could return — knowing how stupid that sounds. As if…

Last night, I wondered what I would give to make that wish come true. What could I offer to the gods? I couldn’t think of anything.

Just let Us be in each other’s lives in the next go round. Let Us start from where we left off, or shit, start from the beginning and go further. Let Us love again. And don’t make me wait forever.

I was in Wawa — a triggering spot for me, but now I don’t have stressful reactions when I am there — and the song from His memorial came on. I hate that song. I hate it with everything that is in me. I wondered if He liked that song…or if He and His wife shared that song. For me, it will forever remain a funeral song. I hate it like I hate wreaths and floral arrangements.

But then I was in Verizon — the same Verizon where I stopped after my friend visited in November, shortly after Love died…the Verizon where I met the fine young man who shared in grief and touched my soul that one night and inspired me to begin writing. I was talking to the young man, yet again (this makes the third or fourth time), and another song came on. What a coincidence! I struggled not to let the tears spill all the way down my cheeks. Almost a year ago, Love told me that this song reminded Him of me. He didn’t explain why. But I was familiar with the song and the lyrics and I figured it was obvious. However, this was in the very beginning, when things where just getting cooking for us in the early summer.

So, maybe I’m okay, even though the start of Mother’s Day brought some tears. I couldn’t figure out if the tears were because I would never get to be a mom with My Best Friend’s child, or for His mother and how much I think of her and her loss. Quizas los dos.

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