when you need a friend

When it began on the brink of last summer, it was because Love said that He was tired of seeing me like that — the way that I was/depressed/fucked up. He had met me in a beautiful splendor, a few years prior to that moment. And back then, I had felt vibrant and hopeful.

But a couple of years worth of bullshit at different jobs left me in the depths of despair — not unlike the grief that I have experienced since His death. It was a slow decay, however, with a brief ray of sunshine before I hit the ocean floor.

It’s hard being a gifted person among idiots…being attractive among the average…being an introvert among actors.

I would braid up my hair because I was too tired to do it every day. Even a ponytail required too much effort. I would wear a uniform to work because picking an outfit was much too difficult and rendered me ill. I stopped wearing any hint of makeup (mascara and lip gloss) because I really didn’t give a shit about how I looked, facilitated by the fact that I wasn’t interested in fucking anyone at my new jobs (no attractive men). And I had continued to gain weight, excessively in the year preceding last year.

Love said He was going to commit to helping me get better. I’m not sure why He would do that, or why He chose last year (He had been steadily inching closer to me since He had started working on my side of the Bay; still it took almost a year for that moment). But now that I’m reflecting on it, I think it could have been because He was also trying to get to a better place.

He hadn’t been doing well either (I had been aware of this for a couple of years also). Actually, He once told me that He visited the “dark places” that I had been frequenting; but that He would catch Himself before He was too deep, and pull out of it. I was surprised to hear that I had a friend in depression.

Depression doesn’t let you have any friends. Love was my friend.

Anyway, Love stated that His goal was to help me find a man.


I wasn’t looking for one.

His desire was to help me find someone that best fit me…because He knew that old lover wasn’t that person.