The Modern Man And Why He Is Not Comfortable With His Woman Making More Money
The thing is — we refute nature. We decline to believe the facts that are ingrained in our DNA. Not because it’s good or moral or right. Just because it’s a better bet at survival — the only thing that nature apparently seems to give any shit about.
But we have come a long way from the purpose of only surviving and procreating. We have formed civilizations and societies. We have developed an overtly sensitive judgement of morality and righteousness. Not that it is bad. The bad part is — we do not accept nature as a fact. So as many of us still keep on pretending to be holy, the basic instincts still lie deep within our psyche and surface in actions and words that sometimes surprise and astonish us.
If I were to write about how we put on a façade and ignore the basic laws that govern us, govern our moods and actions, our motivations and fears, that will take up an entire book to discuss (and I plan on writing one soon) But for this post, there is one specific topic that I want to talk about, and the topic is — why is man not supportive of his wife or girlfriend in the pursuit of her aspirations that make her independent!
The Provider
Let us go back to the basics — ever wondered why there are two sexes and not one or three or ten? True that many simple plants and animals practice parthenogenesis (fertilizing the egg cell all by itself, without the need of a male partner) but most complex organisms fertilize by some form of copulation. This then, is one of the most important necessities of a two-sex creature system. While the female harbours the egg, the male fertilizes it.
But that role, though being one of the most important ones, is certainly not the only role for which two distinct sexes are created. Nature has a funny and cruel way of discarding something after its requirement is fulfilled. For example, the bright and colourful petals of a flower are meant to attract bees, insects and tiny birds to them. When these insects and birds land on these flowers, the male flower rubs pollen dust on their body and the female flower brushes it off, thus completing the process of pollen transfer. Once the pollens have been transferred, the bright and colourful petals lose its requirement and they get dried and fall off. By the same logic, if fertilization of the egg was all that was required of the male member of a species, then they would have died shortly after insemination. But this is not the case. Male members have almost about the same life-span as the female members (females of a species have a slightly higher life span) This is because nature has other important roles for the male member to fulfil.
And the role is that of a Provider and Protector! After the fertilization of an egg, begins the gestation period. This is when the fertilized egg cell undergoes rapid and a complex series of multiplication to form a new life form. The process is amazing and one of the most beautiful facets of nature — a complex body being developed from just one fertilized cell and they co-ordinate together and at one fine moment, the co-ordination becomes absolutely harmonious to infuse what we poetically call life! But anyway, as this process goes on, the developing foetus draws heavily from the mother’s body to fulfil its excruciating needs of nutrients and energy. At this period, the mother is inept to fend for herself or hunt for food. The male member’s job at this point and for a very long time after the child birth is broadly divided in two things — provide food for the mother and the child and protect them from attacks. This role is not something that the male members of a species have chosen consciously; this is something which nature planned and injected into them. So providing and protecting comes naturally to a male, though it varies considerably how good they are or can be at it.
Back to the ‘now’
A man still has the basic instinct to provide for this family and protect them at times of attacks and threats. Remember here that no action happens without the leverage of a motivation, whether positive of negative. So it was not enough for nature to just inject into the DNA of a man the need to protect his family and provide for them. They needed a strong motivation to do so, and nature figured a way. Nature tweaked with its psyche to feel the emotions of accomplishment and importance when they are able to adeptly carry out their roles of protecting and providing. It has been observed in many animal species, that if the male member becomes incompetent at hunting or loses a fight with another male member, is banished from the tribe and his family is taken over by another male. The same sense of insecurity and fear plays on in today’s man as well. He wants to keep his family with himself by doing what he is meant to do — provide and protect!
The problem this brings
Times have changed and rightfully so. A woman can now both fend for herself and provide for her family. With passing days and the growing reach of education and opportunity, this number is steadily on the rise. Most urban women these days can spend a very safe and secure life all by herself. Her requirement of a man has reduced to sharing a good life with a good partner. Though this is nothing to condemn about, the man has sub-consciously started to look at this as a threat! And with his basic roles now being fulfilled without his involvement, he has started to feel increasingly insecure!
For a very long time, man has tried to circumvent this problem by dominating his family and withholding from them the right and opportunity to protect and provide for themselves. So a lot of women still has to depend on the man, to live through her life and take care of her children. But with the advent of Neutral Consciousness (a school of thought that looks at everything from a neutral perspective) the society started witnessing a growing trend of people, almost entirely men, who started advocating self-dependency of women. With men from the upper echelons of society supporting and promoting this cause, new opportunities started opening up for woman empowerment.
The educated man started realizing that gender roles are a thing of the past and we no longer live in the jungle. They realized that we have broken many rules of nature to move ahead and cannot hold on to the rule of role distinction based on gender. They started supporting the movement of Woman Empowerment, or at least pretended to. But sub-consciously, they still had the feeling of insecurity and lack of fulfilment. This is not so much because they were orthodox or old school, but it’s just because it’s a reflex reaction nature ingrained in them to make sure they never become complacent in their job roles.
The shift
A lot has changed since. A lot of man nowadays support their girlfriend or wife to become self-dependent and pursue their ambitions. But there still remains a huge population of men who avert the idea of his wife or girlfriend doing something of their own and not entirely depending on them. This feeling, described blatantly, makes them feel emasculated. They are not bad people, certainly not mean. They have no problem with their wives or girlfriends working or earning, so long they earn less than themselves or pursue a career much less lustrous than theirs. But if things go over the other side, if the woman starts making more money or has a much more rewarding career, the man (most, not all) starts growing insecure and scared, fearing he will lose her or his family, the same emotions a male animal had while fighting with another one of his species to protect his family and trying to keep them to himself.
Condemning these men as jealous or mean or orthodox would be like condemning a person for feeling vertigo while standing on a hanging balcony of a high rise, knowing very well that she won’t fall. It’s a reaction nature induced in us to keep us safe and alive. Just as this natural reaction can eventually be surpassed by repeatedly confronting the fear, similarly over time, all men will over-grow their basic instinct of trying to be the sole provider and protector of the family.
A word to the men
I have been trying to be put up your case. I know your intent is not always bad. I know your basic feelings are beyond your control. I know that, cause I belong to your tribe. But the time is over when we can keep using this as a shield to justify our actions. I understand the desire to be the provider and protector for your family is something nature ingrained in you. I understand nature also made sure to make you extra alert whenever any situation tries to take you away from this role and treat this situation as a threat. But hey, those are not the only programs nature fed into our DNA. Nature also programmed us to avoid heights and depths. But we have conquered both. It’s time now to conquer this feeling and stand down from the path of your woman. The modern man has a new role now!
Support your woman if you can. Help her on her way to success. Stop being a force that pulls her down. Instead, motivate her to move ahead. Inspire her to be independent. Motivate her to keep pushing. Stop thinking that if you are no longer the sole provider and protector that she will no longer need you. She still needs you. Just that she needs you beside her, not necessarily ahead of her.
The woman can be anyone that you love and care for. She could be your mother, your girlfriend, your wife or your daughter. Inspire them to be independent. They all have a dream in their eyes, we all do. Help them see theirs. The women still need you to be her man — but it’s your choice whether you will continue to be her cage or her sky.
