When My Safe Place Got Attacked

I don’t write but this time I felt like I had a story to tell and to remember.

Bay Area always has beautiful sunny days. The wind was still a little chilly so we decide to have lunch outside in the sun. We have a huge patio with metal furniture outside our cafe. It has an empty space at the far end where sometimes we have bands come over to play music. It’s a happy place. We talked about our co-worker’s plans for her wedding that was coming in 5 months. We also talked about some other unimportant things because the goal was to just sit in the sun.

Something really annoying happened. Why would someone light a firework in the middle of the lunch time? So I look around to my left towards the stage where the sound was coming from. When people ask me about this moment, they ask me what the shooter looked like. But to be honest, all I saw was the black pistol fire bullets and I could have sworn I saw the smoke coming out of it. Everything else was in the background. I would believe if someone told me it was a person dressed up like the Egyptian goddess Bastet because that’s what it looked like to me.

I feel frozen because this my safe place, this must be a joke. I hear my co-worker scream, “Run!”. I heard the sound the next bullet made when it hit the metal furniture, I drop my fork and get up to run. The door to the building is heavy, I know that. Another way is run up the hill, so I think about the odds of getting shot and decide to run up the hill. My brain was making sure I don’t feel anything on my skin, no bullets so that’s good.

I run into the building and see a guy sitting in the kitchen probably waiting until the floor feels warm. It’s a normal response if you don’t see the fire. But when I scream “Gun!”, he decides the emails can wait. I decide to pull the fire alarm on my way out, but maybe it was already ringing. This is what I’ve trained myself to do in an emergency situation so I do it anyway.

Outside on the street, things were calm. I felt safer when I saw the large Police SUVs zooming past us towards the main entrance. I thought about what the shooter was wearing and if we’d know if he/she would walk out with us without anyone knowing. I thought about the most selfish moment I had ever experienced, when I mostly cared about my life. I was relieved when I learned everyone I was with was OK, but I decided not to think about people who come out of moments like these without their friends.

In the aftermath, I heard many stories and thoughts. I heard people thanking the strict California gun laws and how the shooter didn’t have a semi-automatic rifle. A friend called to check on us because he was walking towards us when it happened, I imagined a wide angled view he had of what had happened. The news said that she had a personal target but is that supposed to make us feel better? Can we go back in time and change the context? I thought about the police officer who was criticized in the Florida aftermath for not facing the gunman on his own. I didn’t understand why it was fine for me to run but not him, based on the choice of our professions.

I nearly saw death, either because someone was mad at their boyfriend or because their video didn’t get enough views. I do think we need stricter gun laws. Not because of some scholarly argument, simply because taking someone’s life shouldn’t be this easy.