An interview with Donald Trump
Good afternoon Mr. Trump.
Thank you, really, for granting me this exclusive.
You’re welcome Todd. I don’t usually like to keep things exclusive, so you should be appreciative.
Your campaign slogan is ‘Make America Great Again’. Let’s start there. When, in your opinion, was America great last?
That’s a good question. It’s a tough one. Reagan, he did some good things. Lincoln, he was okay. Kennedy probably the closest. Romanced Marilyn. Went to the moon. Came back. But if I was him, he should’ve put his name in big letters on the moon, so we could see it every night and everyone knew he went there.
The greatest was probably Uncle Sam. Discovered the country. Came over, wrote the constitution…
Mr. Trump, if I may. Uncle Sam is a fictional character. He didn’t discover America. American-Indians had been living here for quite some time before Columbus arrived…
Look, I’ve heard all these alternate theories. And it’s fine if you want to, you know, ‘teach the controversy’. But seriously, Columbo? I mean the guy’s a good detective and all, don’t get me wrong. But he didn’t discover the greatest country on earth! I like him. Good show. And he never let the bad guys catch him, you know, like that softy McCain.
But, sir, if I may…
No, hold on, let me finish, Todd. And this whole theory about the Indians being here first. I mean that’s just nonsense. I’ve been to their casinos. Met a lot of them. How come none of them speak any Hindu?
Hindi. Hindu. Hindo. Close enough if you ask me.
They should make a joke actually. A Hindi, a Hindu and a Hindo walk into a bar… Get it?
Not sure that I do.
They don’t drink — ha!
Maybe we should move on to talking about the wall?
Now we’re talking.
You’ve said that you’re going to get Mexico to pay for the wall. But who’s going to actually build it?
You know that’s a good question. We’ll have to figure that out. I’m thinking about some options. Different plans. Ideas.
Can you describe some of them?
Well someone told me Germans are the best engineers. So I was thinking about them. But I did my research. Google. They actually had a wall once. And one day, the Mexicans in east Berlin, one day they just broke the damn wall down and flooded into west Berlin. And who knows what they did once they got there. Probably raped and robbed everyone.
And Mexico people are small. Not very strong. It takes at least 10 of them to lift the letter ‘T’ to put on one of my buildings. So if they could break a wall down, I’m not sure about that German engineering.
I see. Any other ideas?
Well, I hate to say it, but the Chinese. I don’t like what they’ve done to us as you know. But they work hard, the Orientals, I gotta give them that, and they’re good at building stuff. They built a really good wall. Which can be seen from space apparently.
The Great Wall of China.
Right. But here’s the thing. I was talking to my lawyer, and he said Chinese walls are figuring or something like that. You can’t actually see them.
Yeah. Basically invisible. Now that would be something. Imagine a Mexican trying to run across the border, thinking there’s no wall and — TRUMP! — haha.
So, I’m looking into that.
Do you honestly think a wall can stem the flow of illegal immigrants into this country?
It needs to be high enough. I hear what you’re saying. They’re small people. Maybe they can’t jump high. But they’re crafty. And I’ll have a team researching how good Mexico people are on the trampoline and the pole vault, don’t you worry. The wall will work.
Right now you’re leading in the race to become the Republican nominee.
According to a majority of the polls, yes.
I’m not just leading, Todd. I’m killing them. The margin is… [Waits for Todd to finish his sentence.]
Yes? The margin is what sir?
You know what I want you to say, Todd.
I’m not sure I do Mr. Trump. Are you trying to make a margin of error joke?
No, you idiot. It’s yuge. Get it? The margin is YUGE!
Right, okay, it’s a big margin. My question is: Let’s say you become the nominee. Would you rather face Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders in the Presidential race?
Bernie Sanders, you know, is a media beat-up. I mean they’re all calling him a socialite, just to piss me off. As if he’s a socialite; he’s poor. Very poor. I know his net worth. I’m rich. Do you want me to show you my net worth?
No, that’s quite all right.
But I’ll give him this much, Bernie. He’s got crazy hair. I respect how wavy it is.
Hillary, I like her. She’s not beautiful, like Carly or Palin. Not the mom, the daughter. But I like Hillary. I gave her a lot of money. If she wins, I don’t mind. She’ll look after me.
Maybe we can move on to foreign policy?
Oh boy, here they come, the gotcha questions. All right let’s do it. But let me warn you: I’ve memorized the ten most popular Arab names, so you won’t confuse me with any questions about Iran people if that’s what you’re planning.
Well sir, Iran is not an Arab cou… Oh never mind. Let’s try this. Speaking of countries, have you thought about which country you might visit first as President?
Oh I’m gonna fly a lot, Todd. Go everywhere.
For sure. We gotta show the world who’s boss. So I plan to do that in person. And did you know journalists can come on Air Force One? I’ll take you with me, Todd. I like you.
Thank you Mr. Trump. I’d love to travel overseas with you. I’ve had the privilege of traveling twice with President Obama.
You’ve been on Air Force One?
Yes sir, I have.
Can I ask you something?
[Leaning in excitedly] What are the air hostesses in first class like? Pretty? They must be real lookers right? I mean, they’re there to serve the President. Clinton, he liked fat interns. Strange guy. That one he got caught with — what’s her name? Looked just like Rosie O’Donnell. [Vomit sound.] But you and me, we’re red-blooded men.
The big issue, when it comes to foreign policy, is radical Islam. Do you think the threat…
I’m gonna cut you off, Todd. This is just more liberal bias. Why do you love the Muslims so much? Why do you hate America? Let me tell you the truth. There is nothing radical about Islam. Or bodacious. Or awesome-sauce. Or any other words that kids use these days to describe cool things. Yeah I’ve done my research. You’re surprised; I can see the shock on your face.
Let me tell you something: Islam is not good. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it yet, but I’m going to fix it. Maybe we’ll invade it. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Mr. Trump, when you say you’ll “invade Islam”, do you have a particular country in mind?
Yeah, Islam. All of it. Well all the bad bits at least.
All the bad bits of Islam?
Todd, I’m not giving away all my plans now. You think I’m stupid?
Do you think our military leaders have it in them to launch another war?
I think they’re already thinking about it.
I walked in on Brennan the other day. He…
CIA Director John Brennan?
Right. And he was working on some document. I snuck a peak before he noticed me and quickly hid it.
I only saw the words “Trump Presidency” and “coup”. But we can put two and two together, right [nodding knowingly]? You see what’s in the works right? Once I win, the CIA is planning to overthrow the President of Islam in a coup. Our CIA really is the best CIA in the world. What planners. Winners.
Speaking of winning, sir, are you excited about the prospect of being the leader of the free world?
[Leaning in and talking softly] Can this bit be off the record?
Not bad, smart cookie — you didn’t fall for it. Like I have a filter! So here’s the deal. Obviously it’s exciting and all. But I’ve never given anything away for free in my life. And I’m not going to start now. That’s just Commie bull shit. If I become King…
Right, President. If I become President, every one, and I mean EVERY ONE, is gonna pay.
No, I certainly believe you there.
What was that?
Nothing Mr. Trump, never mind. Last question: In the off chance that you don’t win this Presidential election, have you thought about what you might do instead?
I’m planning some things. Got some ideas. Got a call yesterday actually. Head-hunter. Some company called Volkswagen. Looking for a new CEO. Might be going bankrupt and said I’m just the guy for the job.