Chapter 1: The End
My mind was full of questions and yet there were no answers. All eyes were glued to me all the time — some full of tears, some full of anger and some with sympathy but all of them wanted the same — answers to those questions.I had no answers to tell, nothing to justify and not a single reason to defend myself. My ability to think, to reason out anything, to explore, to reach a conclusion — all seemed too frail now. I was left with nothing and I could not even apologize. Even if I did, to whom I should apologize- my mom, my dad, my brother, to myself or to my friends? And what would that mean — I was wrong….
One day passed like this…. two days passed…. three days passed — nothing changed at all. Mom’s tears, her big swollen eyes and dad’s silence, his indifference for everything had become a routine that I was not used to. I wanted to put my head in mom’s lap as usual and cry out all my agonies but I was so helpless that I couldn’t even do that. She herself needed someone to tell her that it will pass. I wanted to laugh with my dad but could not do that — the scornful look on his face ensured that I always stayed three feet away from him. Days had become so long that it seemed as if the time had stopped. The meaning of my life was fading…..
That morning was no different — Mom was in kitchen, probably making tea for dad. Dad had forgotten that the day had barely begun and had already immersed himself into some files, probably updating his measurement books or MB as he would call them. Brother was still in sound sleep — I just wished I could borrow some from him.
Any other day, all of it would have been perfectly normal but not that day. Each and every tear that I had been hiding till now, had created an ocean within me. I was totally sunk in that ocean of frustration and repentance and was getting tossed like a surfboard on a tide. There was no escaping from the fact that I was the culprit. I wanted to get rid of everything. I could not wipe my mother’s tears and couldn’t watch her crying either. Nor could I see my dad feeling ashamed because of me. I picked up my dad’s old bike and left the home with a lot going in my mind. Soon I was on Kanpur-Lucknow Highway — I stopped, gave a second thought and then again got on the bike. It was not too fast but still 85 kmph was manageable. The sun was right in front of my eyes appearing from those red clouds. I thought how useless it was to see the sun rising like that when it was going to set for me forever. I took the wrong side on the highway but luck did not seem to be in my favor even today. Usually it used to be a busy route but today I could see no vehicles. My heart was becoming weaker and mind almost changed when I heard something — someone honking. It was a TATA Ace. I sped up to end it all in a flash.
All ties were loosening. I was forgiving all those who had ever hurt me and was expecting that the others will do the same to me. No complains were left and the pain was subsiding slowly. It was about a meter away- I made a sharp cut to the left and the Ace passed with the driver hurling abuses at me. Some broken teeth and many fractured bones would not have been a good idea. There were good chances that I survived that blow so I changed my course just in time. Going to hell is much better than living a hellish life being dependent on others for every need of yours.
I resumed again with madness overpowering my mind . Flashback started in my mind — I was remembering how my mom used to take care of me when the doctors had said that I’ll live no more than three months. How I used to wake up early and dad used to always share some of his tea that he prepared for himself, since I was three. How my brother had cried when my nose bled for the first time and he thought that I had died. There were so many frames changing one after the other that it was becoming impossible to maintain a count of each of them. I remembered how Anya had called me “suicidal idiot” once but that was a different context all together. It sounded so ridiculous at that time.
All the love, all the affections, all the good memories, all the successes, all the failures, all the desires, all the complaints — everything was wilting away like the leaves fall off in autumn. I was moving towards the truth and the ultimate goal of everyone’s life… Doesn’t matter they want to achieve it or not. Everything seemed so calm now. All the worries and tension had dispelled. After so many years, I could feel the fresh air energising each part of my body — entering through the nose and reaching the end of each nerve, it seemed as if it wanted to hold me back but the destiny knocked.
There was a blasting sound — it was an oil tanker. Everything finished in a second. A tear trickled down my right eye and everything came to an end.