Banking on Jesus

Everything is art.
Nov 3 · 7 min read

Even at such a nascent stage, it’s mind-blowing to look back on the evolution of my career. And I hate that word “career”— to me its the mediocre middle ground between a job and the ever-evolving journey towards self-actualization. “Career” encapsulates the pursuit of Western culture and the foundation of purpose for so many people that tie their identity to what they achieve, and what other people think about it.

I remember the moment I decided to pursue investment banking and frankly the reason I made the decision was a dramatic effort to prove people wrong. Everything I was told, from both insiders and outsiders, eluded to the idea that I couldn’t do it or if I did somehow manage to break in, that it would be extremely difficult, erring on the side of a miracle. I realized very early on in my pursuit that I was walking directly into the middle of a perpetual battle of the egos in one of the most insidious subsections of the global secular realm. A place where in order to assume position on the golden ladder, you have to play along — grin and bear it — which means straddling the line between subtly stroking said egos while also convincing everyone around you that you have one of your own, just not overtly subversive to theirs, thus proving that you have what it takes to join their special club while preserving the existing delicate hierarchy of power.

Once I set my mind to something after perceiving an ounce of doubt from an external source, my default nature is to relentlessly pursue whatever it is (regardless of its true substance) at all costs. My innate irrational drive is almost always fueled by insecurity — when I realize someone doesn’t believe that I can accomplish something, a switch gets flipped: How DARE you underestimate me. It’s funny too because my natural control-freak-self forgets that there are all of these other external forces that play into any given scenario… so not everything can be accomplished given the reality there will always be things that are just completely out of our control and dependent on other human people who unfortunately cannot be manipulated into acting the way that we want them to.

So I ruthlessly pursued investment banking — getting in front of as many people as possible, willing to do just about anything to jam my foot in the door and capture someone’s attention. I remember nailing “my story” down to the point where I had repeated it so many times in so many interviews that someone told me to my face that I was robotic — which was probably one of the most important pieces of constructive criticism I have ever received. I got so bogged down in the process that proving myself became all I could think about. From my perspective at the time, I was crushing it, doing everything right — but the rejections kept coming, and I could not understand why.

Fast forward three years later, and I had somehow managed to break that door right off the hinges. 6-months before college graduation, I had a real-life Investment Banking internship under my belt and three full-time job offers sitting on the table. I had done it — I had fooled them all. They finally wanted me.

Then it happened — bang, cue the radical reorientation of my realized identity as a human being, where the sole purpose of my life was no longer to achieve, win, and prove… Somewhere along the grueling journey, I asked myself the questions: What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Where does this lead? What is the point of all of this?

And ultimately I realized that the answers to those questions were centered around fear. I was seeking recognition and importance, financial safety and security, prestige. I was desperately hungry for challenge and terrified of complacency after being hoisted up on a very high deceivingly shiny pedestal for the majority of my young life… Yet remarkably, that all fell away when I discovered that it is all worth nothing if this man named Jesus was who he said he was and if I am actually who He said I am. And I know this sounds crazy to a lot of people, and that’s OK. I might even lose most of you here… but honestly, surrendering that need for achievement and recognition was the most monumentally liberating thing I could have ever experienced.

The current post-modern secular human narrative: You are born, you go to school, you make money, you enjoy everything you want while you’re here as long as you don’t bother anyone else, some of life will definitely suck but that’s why you do everything in your power to pursue your own personal meaning of happiness… and then you just die… was just not good enough for me. If that’s all there is… WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS?

So, there I was, a senior about to graduate from a relatively prestigious university, with three “amazing” opportunities glaring at me, a position I had been working to be in for so long. And in an instant, virtually all of the reasons that had driven me there were in direct contradiction with my new found purpose and identity.

Cue incessant praying about the predicament: UGH, I’m sorry God, I want your will not mine. Is this the right path? Did I mess things up? God, please make something good come out of this. I know you can make this work. But also what is next…? Of course, naturally, before I have even started my job.

Now, I am just about a year into this coveted job and I am READY to leave. But God has moved in ways I could never have imagined. Through this job, He has shown me patience and kindness and how much hurt there is in the places that people wouldn’t expect among the people that have so so much in this world. How much numbness and anxiety and deliberate blindness drives and silently destroys the elites in society. Why do they do what they do?

It took a full year into my time on Wall Street to officially mourn my previous purpose and identity. Having that realization and letting go freed my mind of the subconscious haze and underlying dissonance that was still present unknowingly upon starting that job. I was naive to think that my heart was completely transformed overnight when God graciously slapped me in the face with the humbling reality that I had had it all wrong. That’s not to say I wasn’t changed of course — praise God that I was, but that it takes time and work and experience (good ol’ sanctification) to prune the dead branches off our backs that we don’t realize are still there. It took time for my heart to catch up to my head — to really feel loved and known. To be convicted beyond just the cognitive realization about who I am. I had to put to death the craving for recognition and approval that was still present in my heart unknowingly. I had to let God knock down the pedestal that I was placed on by so many and make room for the right things to occupy my heart and mind.

And this will be an ongoing journey for me throughout my life. Learning to ask what God wants before what I want. And listening intently with an open and vulnerable heart — ready to receive direction that might not be exactly what I want to hear and being willing to go places that I definitely don’t want to go.

Something I’ve also learned… Complacency is like a cancer — it creeps in quietly and you’re lucky to catch it early before symptoms start to arise. It’s absolutely terrible. But it can offer one of the most fruitful seasons of heart growth and grace known to man. For me, recent experiences of complacency have allowed time for reflection on who I am and where I am going. While ruminating over the search for and the prospects of my next moves, I’ve felt my new found purpose and identity begin to challenge the remnants of my once hardened heart which still underpin a lot of the subconscious motives that drive what I am doing and how I’m doing it.

On a midtown Manhattan rooftop, I realized that my old self was still very much part of me. Part of my nature that I cannot deny or pretend doesn’t exist. At this point, I can only be thankful that I have grace. I have forgiveness and love and I can’t do anything to earn it — none of us can. It’s a gift, to be received with a posture of gratitude and humble reciprocity to the other beings we dwell amongst on this planet. A gift once one receives with full recognition as to the supreme actuality of its existence can never be forgotten or dismayed. A realization I wish for every human being on this planet. To know they are beautifully, intentionally, and wonderfully made — irreplaceable and one of a kind. An integral element of creation.

A unique hyperlink in this divine Masterpiece.

Everything is art.
Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade