A mannequin stands among pillows on a bed with a fit bit hanging around her neck.
If only there was a way to monitor the speed of my thoughts.

I know why the caged bird sings. Er, my bipolar requires some close attention.

My husband is constantly monitoring me.

Huh, that sounds pretty ominous actually.

What I mean is he is on alert for shifts in my mood/behavior that might indicate the beginning of a hypomanic state.

He says he isn’t doing that. I think we can just agree to disagree.

Case in point, I wear a fit bit to bed which he checks twice a week to make sure I am sleeping enough.

Annoyingly lack of sleep is a trigger, if I don’t sleep enough it might cause me to go into a hypomanic state.

And then if I get into a manic state I stop sleeping.

A vicious cycle.

I hate it.

I just want to be like everyone else and be able to stay up to 1 am sometimes just for the hell of it.

But no, I have to start trying to go to bed at like 9:30 or 10 so I can get as much sleep as possible.

It’s a dumb thing to complain about.

It just gives me another datapoint that says I’m not like most other peeps.

It’s the small things that end up annoying me the most.

Like when my husband gets concerned that I want to eat just chips and guac for dinner.

Not a totally balanced meal but I am eating.

Here is why I really think of it as my husband constantly monitoring me.

If you had a spouse who is at risk of getting a violent seizure but you could stop the seizure if you noticed the hand tremors that always preceded the seizures and gave them their medication in time you would obviously be on the looked out hand tremors all the time.

I think my husband is subconsciously looking for all the little signs that would add up to showing I am in a hypomanic/manic state.

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing that he does it.

It’s actually really helpful.

It just sometimes chafes at me.

After my second episode he cancelled a trip to go see his best friend in another city because he didn’t want to leave me alone.

I had already returned to my baseline at that point.

It made me feel really guilty that he lost time with his friend because of me.

Also angry that he didn’t think I could handle being alone for the 2 nights he would be away.

I digress.

It must be exhausting to search for the signs all the time.

I know it would exhaust me to constantly be on the lookout for hand tremors.

But preventing the seizure would be worth it.

A collection of short pieces that chronicle my experiences that I associate with my bipolar disorder.