A mannequin stands on top of a game of Taboo with a cross behind her. She is holding her hands out, palms up, head tilted up.
God, I submit myself as a servant to you. I will devote my life to the pursuit of the inevitable apocalypse that I know is happening soon.

It is very common for mania to cause people to become super religious.

I’m not sure why but there it is.

For me I start to think that everything is connected.

These connections mean there has to be some higher power controlling it all.

And since I can see the connections, and no one else seems to be able to, he must be trying to tell me something.

If he’s trying to tell me something then I am obviously part of his plan for what is coming next.

My conservative religious upbringing has drilled into my head that what is…


A mannequin stands with her hands on the top of a lockbox.
This box contains my darkest secret. I’ve lost the key, so good luck with that.

** Hi mom! You don’t want to read this. Just a fair warning. **

** Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and justifications **

** National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273–8255 **

When I am depressed I become suicidal.

I usually spin it as “I want the world to stop” or something.

Usually this gets me “oh, ok. You don’t really want to die, you just want the pain to stop”.

Yep.

I do want the pain to stop.

And it will stop if I die.

I usually nod along though because that gets me in what I think of as “less trouble”.


Women’s PJs with pockets! A true unicorn moment.

If you stay in the hospital long enough it is inevitable that you will run out of clean clothes.

To get past this problem you can ask the staff to do laundry for you.

They give you a brown paper sad and you put your name on it with a sharpie, put your clothes in, and give it back.

The clothes are generally washed by the next day.

It’s really all very convenient for the patients.

And it was for me too.

Until my favorite pair of unicorn PJ pants went missing.

No one is really sure what happened to…


Mannequin stands with hands in from of body while a lamp shines over her from the left side.
Whew, it’s hot under all this scrutiny.

One of the ways the people around me try to gauge what is going with me is to ask me questions.

You seem happy today, what’s up?

What are you typing over there?

Who are you talking to?

Oh, Twitter again?

Why are you asking that?

How did you sleep last night?

How are you feeling?

It sometimes feels like a lot.

I understand that conversations have back and forth and questions are a part of that.

But.

Sometimes all the questions just feel loaded.

Like I’m being interrogated and there is a right and wrong answer.

I know I’m…


A mannequin lays on a bed with 2 dead roses on either side of her.
Damn, even the roses are dead.

After my hospitalization and diagnosis I had to say goodbye to the person I thought I would be.

Some of the changes aren’t that big a deal.

I’ll have to take 1 to many pills everyday for the rest of my life.

I need to talk to a psychiatrist every 3ish months.

Things that on a whole don’t affect the trajectory of my life.

But.

Other changes are more complicated.

I need to be super conscious of the decisions I make about basic things and how they might affect my life.

If I allow myself to get a bad night’s…


Mannequin stands next to trex with arm in trex’s mouth.
Sometimes the sacrifice is worth it, sometimes it isn’t.

My mom tried her best to help me when I was going through my depressive episode and then again when I was coming down from my first manic episode.

However.

She did give me some truly terrible advice both times.

With my depressive episode it was “You don’t have to apply for jobs this semester, just wait until the spring”.

I tried to explain what a disastrous idea that really was.

In my field all the good jobs are awarded in the fall.

I didn’t matter how bad I felt or how slowly my brain was working there was no…


A mannequin sits next to someone with a baseball cap that reads “bunny rabbits!”
Bunny rabbits is my mom speak for f*ck. It’s a good way to express how I felt when the truth came out.

Before I started really spiraling out of control the second time I called my mom on my way home from work.

She would later tell me she was extremely concerned because while I was chipper I was laser focused on s single topic.

During the call she casually said the conference she was going to go to had been cancelled and she wanted to come see me instead.

I was so happy, I love when my mom visits me.

I anticipated her visit for the next two days.

Except, she wasn’t coming to visit me, she was coming to check…


Are you sensing a theme?

When I was in the hospital for the second time my mom and husband brought me a new copy of Bananagrams.

If you’ve never played it before it’s like Scrabble but everyone is working to make their own little crossword with their letters instead building off the same board.

It’s fast paced and super fun.

I am also really good at it.

Like, I win almost every time I play it.

Except when I’m playing against my mom, we’re about 50/50 then.

There is a trick to being good at Bananagrams: don’t get too attached to your current setup.

When…


A mannequin points at a whiteboard that has a binary tree with the word happy in the nodes.
Who doesn’t love a good tree?

After I got released the second time from the hospital I had a meeting with my boss and then another meeting with my boss’ boss.

My boss had actually done some behind the scenes stuff to try to save my job whenever I was at the tail end of my manic upswing.

I was posting stuff on the company servers I had no business posting. I’m still shocked I wasn’t fired.

Anyway.

When we were discussing what happened later he was pretty quiet.

My boss is a pretty introspective guy, he’s a great listener but it takes a bit for…


A mannequin holds a gaming controller under each arm.
If only life were a video game, surely I would have leveled up by now.

** Content warning: a frequency of use of a particular vulgar word that borders on unladylike. I mean the author isn’t a lady but she should at least pretend for your sake. Although, I must say the word does pack quite a punch in the places it is used. **

When I had my second episode I was on a good dosage of a med that had been working for me for awhile.

I was working out 4 times a week before work.

I was heading on a schedule that worked for me.

Before things started going down hill I…

Bipolar Birdie

A collection of short pieces that chronicle my experiences that I associate with my bipolar disorder.

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