On Objectivity and How it Impacts Your Relationship!
All of us are guilty of reacting first before reflecting at different points in our lives. Sometimes we are so caught up in coping with our emotions that in the process, we forget how to be sensitive to another’s needs. If you do not act quickly, the stress makes you give in to other vulnerable emotions like anger and frustration, and escaping from this potent spiral of emotions can become a tough ask!
Be it being overtly sensitive or flying off the handle quickly, I find that training yourself to be more objective helps a great deal. It is a skill that is applied in ethical journalism while reporting news events or writing feature articles! It is merely a matter of using the same principle in everyday life situations. You come away from it with a calmer state of mind to deal with the rest of the day! It is a win-win situation for the individuals involved.
Do remember that this is an evolving process, and wishing upon an overnight change, won’t be a fruitful exercise. What works, however, is that you become conscious of your reactions. You train to see it from a third person’s viewpoint and respond judiciously, choosing your words with utmost care. Yeah, I didn’t say this was going to be easy, especially since you have to unlearn how you react, tame your responses, and look at the whole situation objectively! On the flip side, being aware is an excellent first step on the road to self-improvement.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
— George Bernard Shaw
Making mountains out of molehills!
Trivial things in everyday situations to coping with life’s experiences that go on to make you tough, everything has an impact on the way you think and the way your personality shapes.
For most of us, it is challenging to feel objective at the first take. It takes years of growing up to be able to do that at the drop of a glance. Thoughts always tend to bounce off the heart to the head. It is your emotional take on it first, even more so for a sensitive person, and then it goes past that stage of thought to an analysis of the situation. Objectivity only happens when you push yourself away from the scenario and look at it from different pairs of shoes. You then arrive at a clear picture, from which point it becomes easier to move on, having dealt with it inside your head. You can choose to shrug it off or learn from it, based on the situation.
What is objectivity?
Objectivity is the remarkable ability to create emotional distance from a problem that needs solving. It helps you do a reality check and not wear emotionally tinted glasses when you deal with a situation.
Objectivity aims to take a principled stance, without being prejudiced by personal bias or focusing on hurt feelings! It is crucial when seeking a resolution in a disagreement.
We often face numerous instances that threaten to make us come undone! When we are emotional, a volcano of powerful words come tumbling out egged on by pain, anger, or frustration. Our muscles tense up, and we also experience rapid breathing with dilated pupils!
The inconvenient truth
Sometimes those closest to us are acutely aware of our flaws, and on most occasions, these flaws can negatively affect them. They are in an uncomfortable position to point out the fault to you and how it is affecting their mind frame or their relationship. Here several factors associated with objectivity come forth:
a. Transparency — It would be easier for your loved one to brush the issue under the carpet and pretend everything was honey and manna in your relationship. You have respect for the fact that things are out on the table for a discussion.
b. Perception — It helps you understand what is happening inside your partner’s head and gives you clarity.
c. Honesty — This needs no elaboration. When you are honest with each other, a relationship thrives, and this works for both positive affirmations or rocky situations in the relationship.
d. Accountability — By pointing out the flaw, you have to face the inconvenient truth of how your attitude or action is affecting the relationship and holds you accountable.
When faced with the inconvenient truth, it is hard for most of us or even for your loved one, if the tables are turned, to be objective. You may get defensive and justify your stance, or you may brush it off lightheartedly to avoid an argument. You may also divert the discussion to let sleeping dogs lie! Worse, you may fly off the handle, unable to handle the criticism as you cannot imagine the one being the cause of hurt when you feel the exact opposite!
How do you train your mind then?
First, get off the high horse, and if your loved one is hurting apologise and ensure you don’t let the situation repeat itself. If the argument continues, stating that it is a never-ending story, ask for feedback, be frank about why the change you intend to create for the betterment of the relationship is not working. Your partner may be able to give you insights that could be practical to implement! Sometimes just listening to them speak and hearing what they have to say without interrupting the conversation might give you all the feedback you need!
“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”
― Joseph Fort Newton
If you are hurting about other aspects of your relationship, remember you chose to bottle it up and not share, and hence you cannot judge the situation from that standpoint. If you are willing to bear with the inconvenience caused to you, it does not mean that you expect similar tolerance levels from your partner as well. The situation demands a bit of selflessness, which can help you move beyond the emotional response you may be feeling. If you make this attempt, the conversation has a good chance of turning into an objective discussion instead of a full-blown argument of who is right or wrong. Else, the exchange can come to a standstill with stony silence, reaching an impasse. It is again bound to turn up at another point in time if resolution and problem solving is not the goal.
How can you practice objectivity?
Practicing the art of listening is the first step- Be fully present when someone is talking to you and just put away those reactions to one side of the mind and focus on what the person is saying. It positively impacts your thought exchange.
- The person talking to you feels heard. You may often notice that the tone and tenure of the communication might start becoming calmer compared to how it began. If you work on your listening habit continually, the person who is talking to you also might initiate the discussion calmly. Good habits rub off on each other, especially so in a close relationship, but remember, so do bad habits! Sometimes your partner might need to vent before they get a grip on the situation and handle their emotions after what they perceive as insensitive behaviour from you. However, if you react and start venting also, you can imagine the unpleasant fireworks that are bound to happen.
- You take the time to think and time your response. Wait for your loved one to calm down and think about what you are going to speak before responding. Always wait for your turn to speak, and if an apology is warranted (after your unbiased, unemotional evaluation), offer it alongside, solace and assurance. If this is not a new discussion, then figure out together how you can work on it. It shows two things to your partner — a. You are capable of a mature conversation. b. That you care deeply enough to work on the problem that needs a resolution.
“Remain calm, because peace equals power.”
- Joyce Meyer
Sometimes it is ok not to respond immediately. Request to have the conversation later when you are in a better mind frame — if you find that emotions get the better of you, schedule a different time. Make it a priority to have the conversation. It is crucial for the relationship.
What goes around comes around — I mean this in a good way. If you are willing to work on your flaws and your partner sees visible proof of that, they will be ready to work on theirs too! In some cases, this might not happen, as they may not even be aware of their flaws. Don’t feel uncomfortable about pointing it out calmly, taking your turn to address it to them. However, when your partner initiates the conversation, hear them out first instead of using that as your platform to air your concerns. There is one exception to this rule — you are allowed to do so in cases where the issues addressed are closely related. In such instances, being calm is essential for a rational discussion.
Becoming aware of your reactions is the first step. A healthy partnership is one where constructive criticism is both given and taken. If you are unable to be objective in spite of your best efforts, start working on the basics. There may be external circumstances preventing you from succeeding in this endeavour. Something as essential as focusing on your health, establishing a daily routine, practicing mindfulness and meditation can bring about a very desirable change in terms of a perception shift. The inward focus and introspection that these activities demand will help clear the cobwebs in your mind and help you understand your partner’s perspective.
A healthy body and mind are inseparable. Give yourself some self-love and care to relax and become more receptive to positive change.
We indeed need to be loved unconditionally, and our flaws make us unique. Still, if you can give more of each other to your cherished relationship, and if that means working towards change that impacts it positively, you should never hesitate to take that chance!
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