
Home away from home
I get the difference between being a loner and feeling lonely.
While I am a loner, I also admit that long term loneliness is painful as much as it is forming for the mind, soul, and heart… Even to the body unless you are incapable of getting out of bed. Yes, because loneliness could be draining. Energy sucking. It is addictive too.
I wish no-one lives with the demons of loneliness in their brain.
The moment you feel they are awake, get up. Move. Do something. Sweat.
When I was younger I was fond of bios and rituals of celebrities. I noticed based on the books I have read that despite the fame: they live frightening loneliness.
Void in the heart.
I am far from notorious. However I often get sentences such as “you are so lucky to be independent and successful”.
No doubt I am. I am grateful too.
But it has been more than eight years now in the quest for a home I did not find. Loneliness helped me achieve. Perhaps if I were not lonely I would not have had the drive to achieve.
I feel lonely when the taste of love is missing. When I forget my heart can stop beating for three seconds for someone. When I miss the warmth of my mother’s hug. When I wish to wake up and check on how “he” is sleeping and dreaming smilingly.
Rupi Kaur said in one of her books that I have reviewed: perhaps we are all immigrants looking for a new home. Maybe loneliness is in the quest and there is no home. Home is not where someone is waiting for you to be back. Home is not the first place you go to when you are in need or pain.
https://styloabille.com/milk-and-honey-by-rupi-kaur/
Home is where you love unconditionally. Where relations are long term. In a long term relation there is sweet and sour. Sweet to celebrate and sour to communicate, forgive, learn, and move on.
Lonely women are all over even those married with children could be lonely. Women need a safe space to talk or not to talk, to cry or not to cry, to love and be loved.
Loneliness is violent. Many of the times my body was aching, it was because of disarmingly violent loneliness.
Even after years of self awareness, mindfulness, and stillness, loneliness hurts. You manage how it hurts. You embrace the frequency and intensity of hurt. You learn to understand it and explain it.
It does not go away…
PS: this is a picture my mum took of my father and I. We were having discussions about life in the streets of Vienna
