Back then I used to think I didn't have a home.
That persisted for a long time; longer than I care to admit and probably longer than I even remember. There was a sense of pride in the beginning, if I recall it correctly. Having no roots. Being like a river or an ocean; flowing from one place to another or being in a lot of places at the same time. In reality, however, I wasn’t the water.
I was adrift.
I was adrift and I held on to many things so that I wouldn't drown, exhausted from swimming the turbulent waters I chose so many times for myself. At times those things were memories, at times they were plans. A couple of times, and that I remember, people. It is hard being a burden at sea. You either swim together and hope for a nearby shore or you sink — sometimes alone, sometimes with company. Sometimes you struggle alone, believing yourself as someone else’s lifeline. Sometimes you leave the struggle to people you love, and watch love wane as in the end no other life is more precious than your own. Sometimes you float, hand in hand, and try to enjoy the ride just like it is. No plans, no salvation.
There is probably a lot to be said about salvation. It’ll have to wait.
“No man is an island entire of itself”, and believing that my every fever dream was in search for where (for who) was the continent I belonged to. As Donne’s clod I stood and eventually started to disappear as the waves took away my contours, and the sun took away my vision. Vanity has its particular way of redefining itself when one’s Ego crumbles into dust. When that happened to me all that was left was myself. A beaten up, bloody and raw version of myself, but it was finally me. And that was all the land I needed. And so I stayed.
While I do know that there are better places in which to build a country, this one is mine and I will cherish it for what it is. This one isn't the one I was taken to, but the one I reached. It’s the result I have from everything else. Home isn't really where the heart is, but it helps to have a place for a tired heart to rest for a while. At least until the next stop.
Maybe I’ll even learn how to read a sea chart for the next trip.