Dear Diary: I’m Drowning

Do you sink or swim? I panic.

Photo by Cassie Matias on Unsplash

I don’t know how to swim.

As I write this, I am overwhelmed and eating chips that taste like cardboard. I’m not sure why. They’re not the best distraction.

Last week, I started a new job. It’s great, but I’m still coming to terms with the 2-hour commute, which adds up to 4 hours a day, or 20 hours a week, of unfilled time.

I love being an adult.

I suppose I’m sinking.

It’s become routine. I sit on the bus, listen to music, and allow my thoughts to drift. Then, they spiral. I think too much.

My mind never shuts up. Sometimes I wish it would.

Over the past few days, I have been assembling a list of anxieties — thoughts that cycle my mind relentlessly, and pull me from the present. I figure putting my thoughts into words may help. I honestly don’t have the motivation to work on anything else.

Sound the alarm.

Overthinking isn’t all bad. It has it’s benefits. These probably aren’t benefits.

This is my list:

  • no one sits next to me on the bus
  • i don’t smell, right?
  • why do i care?
  • never mind, this is nice.
  • i need to stop thinking so much
  • what if i’m making it worse?
  • maybe this is normal
  • what if i’m not okay?
  • but what if i am?
  • stop thinking

  • there are so many people
  • what am I doing?
  • what do I add?
  • i have to keep trying
  • what if i’m dissatisfied?
  • how does satisfaction feel?
  • maybe i should see a therapist
  • i can’t afford to see a therapist
  • i probably just need a good cry

  • i look like an idiot, the coast is clear
  • no cars are coming
  • i should cross
  • no, i’ll wait for the light to change
  • sirens. where’s the ambulance?
  • can that truck driver stop blaring his horn? asshole.
  • too many sounds.
  • oh i can walk now. should i go? i still hear sirens.
  • that ambulance almost hit me
  • was i on the crosswalk?
  • i’m not sure
  • i feel bad. i shouldn’t have crossed
  • i need to calm down

  • i don’t feel well
  • time to write again
  • i’m losing motivation

It’s hard to stay afloat when I don’t know how to swim.


If you liked this post, check out some of my other works!

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