Dear Diary: I’m Drowning
Do you sink or swim? I panic.
I don’t know how to swim.
As I write this, I am overwhelmed and eating chips that taste like cardboard. I’m not sure why. They’re not the best distraction.
Last week, I started a new job. It’s great, but I’m still coming to terms with the 2-hour commute, which adds up to 4 hours a day, or 20 hours a week, of unfilled time.
I love being an adult.
I suppose I’m sinking.
It’s become routine. I sit on the bus, listen to music, and allow my thoughts to drift. Then, they spiral. I think too much.
My mind never shuts up. Sometimes I wish it would.
Over the past few days, I have been assembling a list of anxieties — thoughts that cycle my mind relentlessly, and pull me from the present. I figure putting my thoughts into words may help. I honestly don’t have the motivation to work on anything else.
Sound the alarm.
Overthinking isn’t all bad. It has it’s benefits. These probably aren’t benefits.
This is my list:
- no one sits next to me on the bus
- i don’t smell, right?
- why do i care?
- never mind, this is nice.
- i need to stop thinking so much
- what if i’m making it worse?
- maybe this is normal
- what if i’m not okay?
- but what if i am?
- stop thinking
- there are so many people
- what am I doing?
- what do I add?
- i have to keep trying
- what if i’m dissatisfied?
- how does satisfaction feel?
- maybe i should see a therapist
- i can’t afford to see a therapist
- i probably just need a good cry
- i look like an idiot, the coast is clear
- no cars are coming
- i should cross
- no, i’ll wait for the light to change
- sirens. where’s the ambulance?
- can that truck driver stop blaring his horn? asshole.
- too many sounds.
- oh i can walk now. should i go? i still hear sirens.
- that ambulance almost hit me
- was i on the crosswalk?
- i’m not sure
- i feel bad. i shouldn’t have crossed
- i need to calm down
- i don’t feel well
- time to write again
- i’m losing motivation
It’s hard to stay afloat when I don’t know how to swim.