Pokèmon GOes Out of Control

Remember when we’d stalk the streets and pile into parks searching for Pokèmon? When the police would ask you what you were doing hanging around outside a stranger’s home at midnight, and you’d have to explain that you were just on a quest? Or when a slim chance of catching a Vaporeons was worth stopping traffic and risking your life for? Probably not.

Popularity for the Pokémon Go! app has hit rock bottom. Pokèmon have gone from being the most hunted species on the planet, to a damn nuisance.

They’re fucking everywhere. Now that interest in the app has dried up, die-hard Pokèmon master trainers are said to be outnumbered by the little creatures 7000–1.

Our streets are at risk of being overrun by these pests once thought cute and fun. Parks, or ‘gyms’ as they had come to be known, have now become breeding grounds and our native wildlife are suffering too. Even street rats are being forced out of their natural habitats in alleys behind Chinese restaurants. Both public and personal property is also taking a hit as insurance companies scramble to adjust their policies. Just recently, a car in Brooklyn was set a blaze by a rampant Charizard.

Walking my dog this morning, I experienced the unpleasant misfortune of stepping right in Pokèmon poop. Despite being invisible to the naked eye without the app, Pokèmon feces completely covers the pavements.

In Australia, Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, addressed the nation via a live telecast today asking the question: ‘How long before a mother claims that a Diglett took my baby?’ Pausing to collect his emotions, he continued, ‘What we must do here is simple. We need to dust off the cobwebs from our Pokèmon Go apps (or re-download it in most cases) and take action! But this time,’ he said, raising his fist, ‘we gotta catch and kill ’em all.’