The Supportive Spouse

How to Get the Right Kind of Emotional Support.

Being “supportive” means different things to different people.

The topic ‘lend a helping hand’ and research has showed that one of the fastest ways to be happier and more content is to help others.

How awesome is that?

Think about the last time you were stressed, stuck and needed help, only to have someone reach out and offer it to you. How good did that feel? And I bet it felt just as wonderful for the person offering their help. In fact, I can guarantee it.

A recent series of University of Iowa studies suggests that “supportive” has almost as many interpretations as ”commitment” or “love.” For instance, a five year study of 103 newly married husbands and wives identified four kinds of support: physical comfort and emotional support (listening and empathizing, taking your spouse’s hand, giving your spouse a hug), esteem support (expressing confidence in your partner, providing encouragement), informational support (giving advice, gathering information), and tangible support (taking on responsibilities so your spouse can deal with a problem, helping to brainstorm solutions to a problem).
Apparently, it’s too much of the wrong kind of support that wreaks the most havoc in relationships.

Believe in your spouse

As you got to know your spouse, you began to see something inside him or her that set him apart from all others. It’s one of the reasons you fell in love and decided to get married. That special something — that spark and charm — should be enough reasons to believe that your spouse can fulfill career goals just as he or she has accomplished personal goals (like marrying you). Tell your spouse you believe in him or her but also prove it. Keep track of his or her career and applaud at the appropriate moments. When things are not going so well, you can provide encouragement for your spouse by offering a pep talk — “You are great at what you do and things will get better because you’re great at what you do and I love you no matter what happens.” You can also help your spouse get his or her mind off work on days off by doing something fun together. Now is a great time to head to a theme park, take in a movie, or go dancing.

Be there for your spouse when it counts

When your spouse asks you to attend work functions (parties, award ceremonies or retreats), you must go. Not only must you attend, but you also must be dressed appropriately, wear a smile no matter how boring the event, and make polite small talk with your spouse’s colleagues. Your job is to make a good impression because you are, after all, a reflection of your spouse.

Lend a helping hand

Social contact promotes enhanced health and well-being, likely as a function of the social regulation of emotional responding in the face of various life stressors. For this functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) study, 16 married women were subjected to the threat of electric shock while holding their husband’s hand, the hand of an anonymous male experimenter, or no hand at all. Results indicated a pervasive attenuation of activation in the neural systems supporting emotional and behavioral threat responses when the women held their husband’s hand. A more limited attenuation of activation in these systems occurred when they held the hand of a stranger. Most strikingly, the effects of spousal hand-holding on neural threat responses varied as a function of marital quality, with higher marital quality predicting less threat-related neural activation in the right anterior insula, superior frontal gyrus, and hypothalamus during spousal, but not stranger, hand-holding.

Make sacrifices

Most Americans today are expected to be on call 24-seven for their jobs. There is a lot of pressure to arrive at work before the boss and leave after him. If your spouse has to work late or take meetings during breakfast or dinner, or travel a lot, you have to tolerate it. That said, you do not have to let anyone walk all over you, and your spouse does have to respect your feelings. He or she must also find time for you and your relationship. Still, especially if the crazy hours or traveling is a temporary stepping stone to bigger and better positions, you should do your best to accept the situation. Sacrifice time with your spouse now for a better future later. If that’s your situation, then you should do everything you can to make the time you are together count. Keep in mind that people who are satisfied with their careers and feel accomplished are generally happier — and therefore make for better companions.