MY FIRST DEPRESSION


A normal day that felt wrong

A NORMAL DAY

I guess everyone starts the day the same, woke up, wash, make something to eat, grab your things and go, well, me too, I had everything scheduled, even an alarm for each thing I need to do in the morning before leave the house, that way when I came back I will do other thing in preparation for the next day.

But this time I was tired, last day I slept late, relying in the clock alarm and this time nothing worked, I oversleep, when I realized I was late, my son was late for school, I usually wake and help my son get ready for school, now he was late, the school bus was at the front door, it took me 30 minutes to get ready, thankfully my wife helped me, then I took my son to school.

Then my plan was to continue my scheduled calendar, but I started to feel tense, worried, and then… I was remembering something that happened earlier that week, my father told me that he will be getting married again, since the divorce with my mother I tried to hide my feelings, in some way because I thought that‘s how adult people should behave not showing any feelings.

LOVE, SADNESS, FORGIVENESS

Part of me was like opening the eyes for the first time to the situation, we were a united family, protecting each other, at least that was what our parent teaches us, my brothers and I kept that lesson for ourselves and even created few startups together, but my mother and father get separated, I know one should not judge others situations and emotions, but this time I felt it was personal, I am 27 old I have been “alone” since 18 working and studying at the same time, I left my family thinking I was only a distraction for them, a debt, an additional expense, but since I left they started to fall apart, the relationship with my dad was a “normal” relationship I think, we talked most of the time about business, innovation, technology, sci-fi, religion, politics, but emotions and feelings we kept on silence.

With my mother, we have a different relationship, she is into her beliefs, she told me everyday that she is praying for me to came back to the church, she prays for everyone, she starts her mornings praying at 4am and ends her days praying at 8pm or more, well this is where I have the trouble explaining to my self, why do I in my mind think that there is something wrong doing that every single day? why do I treat my mother like if what she does is something against me and not in my favor? why?

Since they, my parents “divorced”, my mother told me her version of the history, and I didn‘t believe her, why? she has a tendency for exaggerate information related with what really happened and what she felt it happen, but, in order to keep things straight I asked my father for his view, well, guess what? both of them had a different take on the same issue, it was time to decide what way to go, choose between one of your progenitors, I chose treat them equally, but that means I will not believe anyone history more than the other, at least that was the logical part of it, the emotional part was that I believed my dad, since what I remember him to be.

It took me 5 years to realize my father is never came back, he left, and the only one who is caring for my is my mother, she is always asking to see her greatsons, she is always ready to talk, worrying, and asking if I had a good week or not, but I treat her like she was the one that left.

How could I ask for forgiveness to my mother? how could I forgive myself? she was always there for me and I didn‘t care. I called my brother Daniel he told me my mother already knew my father is going to married that same woman she told me 5 years ago that I didn‘t believe her was the other one.

My mother came to the house yesterday and didn‘t complain or scream about why I didn‘t believe her, she was calm, was singing with my sons, she was happy, even though all that she passed through.

FROM FIRST BORN TO PARENTING

I am the first born of my parents, I took that responsibility with honor and proud, but the 16 of september 2014 I realized I was not anymore a son, I was a parent, with more responsibilities, and I will take it with the same responsibility, my first born is 5 this year, he sees up to me as I saw up to my father, but this time I will talk with him all my feelings, one of this nights he told me he is afraid of going to the bathroom at night, he ask me if I was afraid of anything, my answer was: “I am afraid of the same things that you are, and maybe more.”

“One should demonstrate who really is to his family, one should never hide, one should be truthful with himself and those who surround you.”

Thats what I believe now, my wife and my son should be treated with the respect they deserve, each should get the answers they need. I work everyday thinking not only in my sons but the next generations of youth people who will lead humanity to a new level in technology and innovation. I hope they dont forget to demonstrate their feelings to each others.

RUNNING FROM MY SELF

That morning I wanted to cry but I did’nt, so I start getting the sensation of getting lost, I couldn‘t hear a word from my wife, my sons, my mother in law, I couldn‘t feel connected, I felt that I was not there, I took my closet down, saved my computed and thought on saying goodbye to my sons, I even sent a text message to my wife telling her that I love her, but I couldn‘t continue with her. I did all of this because I thought I will not hurt anyone in the same way I was hurt, and I dont want that for my wife neither for my sons.

That thought of killing my self was really strong, I couldn‘t think the other way. That morning 2 days ago, everything that I tried to hide, every feeling got to my head, I couldn‘t even breathe, I decided to run, run as fast as I could, my wife called me I told her how I felt, then I called my brother Gabriel trying to hear from someone else at least a word of hope, hope for me, he tried to help me, but the only thing that made a change in my head was when he told me he already knew about my father decision, and how he felt. At least someone else was feeling similar to me.

There was a video on my facebook one of these days, and I remembered that same moment while talking to my brother, the video was of a father that couldn‘t speak, his daughter didn‘t want him, because he was dumb, but he loved her, one day she decided to commit suicide and he gave his own blood to save her, that thought changed my decision in the last minute.

When I came back to home, it started raining, like if heaven cried for me, the sun was out, it was a shiny rain, I enjoyed I felt a rare kind of peace.

“A father should give everything for the good of his family.”

I ran at least 9 miles, the last mile crying, crying without tears, I experienced a new kind of feeling, I never, never thought something like this could happen to me.

When I thought I was lost, I found my self at the end of the way, I found that now I am the one who will change others lives, I will no give up on my sons, I will not give up on my brothers, I will not give up on my wife, I will not give up on my mother I will not give up and change the world with my startups. This is my decision, this is my way, the way of Andres Castañaza.

My life was hit by a meteorite of feelings, I ran, stopped, and now accept them.

I took a different direction for my life, I dont know if was the right one, but I will keep doing my best to accomplish my goals while taking care of my sons, as a father should do.

THANK YOU FOR READING MY WORDS.

It‘s wrong to pretend that nothing else influenced me to take that decision, there are a lot of causes, but the trigger was my own memory of the ones that I have loved the most.

I am not the kind of person who share his feelings, I restrict myself to be right in front of everyone and share only excitement and happiness. But this time, this time was different.