I don’t know why that name spoke to me, but as I sat on my bed, looking down at my test results, it was the first name that came to mind. I wasn’t at all sure how to feel, how to think, I cried, then laughed. I guess emotions were running wild for weeks, I was terrified to tell him. It was nothing but another name to add to the list, we’d spent weeks talking, opening up to one another, making a footprint in each others lives. Now 4 weeks on from our last date, and we hardly spoke a word, we’d just drifted apart I guess. Only until now, when I have to drop a chaotic bomb into his smooth sailing solo lifestyle. I knew what he would say, that he didn’t want it, he didn’t want any part in it, he would freak out and try to tell me all the reasons why this was a bad idea. I was right, he freaked out, for the following 2 days he freaked out of control. I was terrified, I never thought I wanted to be a mother, I never believed I would be any good at it either, but the moment it all became real, I was in protective over drive. The second day was the hardest, people around me knew what was happening, I had an appointment at the hospital for a scan. Laying on that bed, the cool gel applied to my stomach, my bladder bursting with litres of water- then she pressed down on my uterus to find that blueberry size surprise inside my body. I looked over to the screen, mounted on the wall, then down to my best friend who sat a foot away from me. As soon as she saw the little flutter, tears escaped her brown eyes. I didn’t know what to feel, I couldn’t stand looking at the little beat on the screen, but I couldn’t look away either. The nurse spoke to me, about size, heart-beat, which side the egg escaped from; then in came a doctor, who congratulated me and told me how strong my babies heart beat was. Hearing those words out loud, I couldn’t bear it. We got up and left the hospital, I walked out the doors and A* was the first person I called. Two rings and he picked up, worried that by having the appointment it would make it all so real to me, I couldn’t see him for another 48 hours, which was enough time to get my head straight. I knew where he stood, I also knew that if I decided to take on being a mother, I had to accept that I would be alone in doing so.
I tell myself now, convinced myself maybe, that I did what was best for Elijah in not going through with my pregnancy. I couldn’t see what was best for myself, as it was no longer about me, as selfish as it may seem. I had to do what was best for the baby and for A. The babies father, had issues of his own, we all have demons, but this man couldn’t even commit to his feelings for me let alone being forced into a family lifestyle, he never wanted. A was told he wouldn’t bear children, so imagine the surprise when told they had it wrong. His mother had lost children before, due to his father having the same difficulty producing a child. I’m unsure if this had some trigger as to how he felt about our situation, he never said much. It was a Thursday, a full moon in the sky and this was the first time we’d seen each other in weeks. We went and got ice-cream, that part I remember clearly, then we headed down the beach to finally bite the bullet and talk. I already knew everything he wanted to say, he’d already said it to me, the last four days. I could see he was terrified, scared to how this would not only effect him but also me, my life and the things I were doing.
It was then, I truly looked at the situation as un-selfishly as possible, I looked at it once from his point of view, then a hundred from what was best for the soul growing inside of me and not once thought of myself; only for what I could give another.. I knew I would hate myself, maybe even him, for the rest of my life- but that night, under a full moon on a dirty old beach park bench, I made the decision that changed who I was forever.