Failure Joined Me In The Rain

Song to help guide this experience: Push x Netta Brielle.
I could hear the thunder over my headphones, shaking my house and causing me to question its stability. I didn’t notice how the clouds, once white, started to transform into a calming darkness at a rapid rate. I’ve been one of those girls who always does what she wants when she wants. So when I got the urge to go outside and wait for the storm, I didn’t hesitate. I walked downstairs and laid on the burning concrete to patiently observe how God works. I sat through countless songs and entertained a number of thoughts. I waited, and slowly I started to feel the first couple of raindrops sizzle on my overheated body. The heat was nothing to mess with and I was grateful for the rain to cool off my skin that started to resemble melting chocolate.
By the time the rain started to pick up, I was in a trance. I was focused reflecting on all the ways I had grown as a woman. I couldn’t help thinking about my friends, my family, and my new opportunities. I was sinking into a warm state of gratefulness. But with overthinking, my thoughts suddenly turned against me. My failures started to multiply with each drop. Suddenly a cooling sensation started to feel like I was drowning. Drowning in all the chances I had taken that lead to being denied, all the projects I had started and stopped, and every situation I kept trying to give life to that was clearly dead. My breathing started to pick up and I felt another anxiety attack headed my way… suddenly the thunder exalted a sound so loud backed with so much power it could have split the sky right down the middle. The wind started to cause the droplets to violently spin around and I started to realize I was still laying in the rain. As I was collecting myself to get up, I heard a voice deep within my spirit question me.
“ why do you focus on your failures, as if they haven’t created prosperity?”
sheesh.
Everything that has happened this summer ( battles after battles especially within myself) has lead me to a new road of discovery. If it wasn’t for the feelings of uneasiness within certain relationships, I would never have the strength to walk away. If it wasn’t for God and I growing closer and the humbling I endured, I wouldn’t be blessed with new opportunities. If it wasn’t for rejection letters, I wouldn’t have worked 10x harder to perfect everything in my time of waiting. If it wasn’t for a book challenge, I would have never rediscovered and awakened my love for reading. ( I’ve read 12 books this summer guys. Usually, it’s only 5 good ones)
In the midst of the rain, I felt cleansed. I felt relief as the rain washed over my body and soaked up all the things I hadn’t been clear about in a while. It finally dawned on me that to realize my growth, I had to appreciate every choice I made to get here. My mindset has changed drastically because I made the decision to persevere and take the steps to growth. And with growth comes pain because you have to separate the flesh from the spirit.
I also never realized how I hid behind my failures like they didn’t give me the strength to push me in a new direction. Yes, I start a lot of things but I’m not afraid to stop it if it brings even the slightest bit of toxicity in my life. That doesn’t mean give up when it gets hard, but until you would do the same thing over again that’s not what you love. Whatever you want to be, you have to realize it comes with issues. You don’t love anything until you’re willing to deal with all the side effects two times over. You don’t love being an athlete, if you don’t welcome soreness or getting injured. You don’t love being a writer, if you can’t deal with rejection or people not liking what you write. You can’t be a musician, if you can’t handle people not liking what you create. You have to love whatever you do so much that all the negatives push you even harder. If I don’t feel that, I don’t keep entertaining it. We hold on to things that are draining the life out of us in order to convince other people we have it going on. In reality, they don’t even care. Don’t be afraid to start over or go back to the drawing board. And don’t hold on to anything in fear of being alone or being wrong. Never stop living your truth because people can’t understand it. I will never be able to fit inside a box because I’ve never lived in one.
I love exploring this thing called life, but I do need to give myself credit along the way. I am better than I was yesterday. I refuse to let anyone belittle me or downplay my growth. I am on the road to realizing how blessed and highly favored I am. Even in the midst of the rain, the sun can shine. In the midst of your storms, you can still find favor and blessings.
I often think about my grandmother in moments like these. I wish I could talk to her and tell her in all the ways she has inspired me. How I struggle with different aspects of being a woman and how hard it is to let go. But, today in the rain… I felt her presence. I felt her love. And I felt the courage to keep going. I will not let the prayers of my ancestors go to waste due to overthinking and self-sabotage. I have to push myself harder and continue to grow, glo’, and prosper because that’s the only way I know how. I am chosen.
Romans 8:33: “Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen?…”
So, I challenge you to embrace your failures and to appreciate how you are as an individual. Yes, it is important to keep going and growing, but don’t forget to tell yourself how proud you are of all the ways they have shifted into who you are today. It’s okay to not have it figured out, but each failure will lead you closer to your passion. And if it hurts to let go, know you won’t die from it. Yes, it will feel like you have, but keep pushing. You never know how close you are to a breakthrough if you don’t expect to keep breaking through all the negativity, rejection, and failure.
Trust yourself and get rained on sometimes.
Best,
J.
