50 Questions I Need to Answer Before Making a Relationship

Photo by Warren “The light at the end of the tunnel” on Unsplash

For the past 11 years, I have embraced my ‘single’ status after my previous relationship ended in 2012. Since then, the journey towards pursuing new connections has been a challenging one. It’s not that I don’t have the desire to be in a relationship again; it’s just that the impact of that past experience has been hard to shake off.

But let me make it clear, I have indeed moved on from that relationship chapter in my life. It’s more about this lingering fear of falling into the same patterns once again.

Just to provide some context, I have only had two relationships with girls throughout my entire life. One was back in junior high school, and the other happened during my senior high school years. Both relationships only lasted about a year before they ended.

Oh, and there was actually a third relationship in elementary school, but let’s not count that one because, let’s be real, I was just a little kid and didn’t really know what love was all about.

I didn’t mean to give up on love

I’ve been single for around 11 years, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to be with someone. I’ve actually tried to get into relationships, but unfortunately, they always ended in rejection. It left me questioning what I was doing wrong.

Seeking answers, I decided to undergo therapy in 2021.

It’s my first time go to therapy and it helped me realize that my lack of confidence was hindering my ability to build relationships. I mean, I thought I was making an effort by saying “I love you” and chatting with her, but my therapist made me realize that it was more like admiration than genuine love. It was a real eye-opener for me.

It turns out that all this time, I’ve been playing it safe by just admiring people from a distance. I’ve been too afraid to fully open myself up and truly love someone.

It’s like a wall of fear that has been holding me back from experiencing deeper connections and relationships. But, at least now I know what I need to work on and can start taking steps to overcome that fear.

I’m afraid that I will lose her someday

I guess you could call me a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to relationships. I have this strong desire to find “the one” and be with her for the rest of my life.

But, you know, that’s also what’s been holding me back from diving into serious relationship. I’m scared that if I do commit, I might end up losing her one day, and that thought really freaks me out. So, the first question that popped up before I got serious about building a relationship was:

“What if we do get married, have a beautiful life together for years, but then something happens, and I’m left all alone if she passes away first?”

Just imagining that scenario brings so much pain and fear. It’s the reason I’ve been holding back for more than 11 years from diving into a serious relationship. The thought of dealing with such a loss terrifies me, and it’s made it tough to take that leap of faith into a long-term, committed partnership.

The other 49 questions I need to answer

1. What if her parents don’t like me?
2. Will we be comfortable with each other’s families and their involvement in our lives?
3. Am I truly the right person for her?
4. Am I capable of being a good partner?
5. What if I end up making her angry and regret choosing me one day?
6. What if we have a fight and I struggle to control my emotions, causing her significant distress?
7. She has an ex who seems better than me; Am I truly worthy of being her chosen replacement?
8. What if her ex approaches her and expresses interest in rekindling their relationship?
9. What if she still loves her ex?
10. What if there’s someone more attractive than me in future, and she ends up liking him more?
11. Since I’m introverted and enjoy solitude over socializing, what if one day she becomes bored with me?
12. I’m a person who is difficult to find a topic of conversation, can she help me with that?
13. What if I make the same mistakes as in past relationships?
14. How do I navigate the challenges of compromise?
15. How do we handle boundaries and personal privacy within the relationship?
16. What if she doesn’t accept me for who I am?
17. Will I lose my freedom by being in a relationship?
18. Will I be able to meet my partner’s expectations?
19. Will I be able to support my partner through their challenges?
20. I get jealous very easily, will this make her uncomfortable?
21. What if the situation requires us to have a long distance relationship?
22. Can I trust her?
23. Can she trust me?
24. What if I’m unable to forgive my partner’s mistakes?
25. Vice versa, what if she unable to forgive my mistakes?
26. What if the cost of housing is sky-high and our only option is to move back in with one of our parents?
27. How do we handle disagreements about money and financial decisions?
28. Some people may think that we can find the money, but at this time, I personally have limited financial resources, I think it will be the issue, isn’t it?
29. What if things don’t go smoothly with my work down the line and I find myself in a tough spot, will she still be there to lend me a hand?
30. Will we be comfortable with each other’s personal habits and quirks?
31. I really like K-pop songs, what if she’s uncomfortable with it?
32. I really like K-dramas, what if she’s uncomfortable with it?
33. Honestly, I didn’t like traveling, but what if she really likes traveling?
34. I’m someone who gets emotional and cries easily, will she be okay with that?
35. I think I’m not good at sex, will she be okay with it?
36. What if she’s not happy with our intimate moments and starts looking for someone else to please her?
37. What if my partner is incapable of becoming pregnant?
38. Vice versa, what if I experience a fertility issue that prevents my partner from conceiving?
39. If we do have to adopt, am I ready for it?
40. Vice versa, If we do have to adopt, is she ready for it?
41. I’ve seen a lot a story about people who losing their child, if I was in that position, would I be able to handle it?
42. Vice versa, would she be able to handle it?
43. What if we both can’t handle it and become sad for years and years and years?
44. What if I can’t protect her?
45. What if I can’t protect my children?
46. If we have children in the future, what if I pass away first, leaving her to raise them alone?
47. Can she handle it?
48. What if she’s also overwhelmed by the situation?
49. Being a husband means having the responsibility to lead your family toward a good life afterlife (heaven). But what if I can’t?

Perhaps there will be more follow-up questions that arise. So, yeah, this is me. I find myself wrestling with those questions in order to regain my self-confidence.

When I find it hard to come up with answers, I tend to pull away and disappear from the girl I wanted to have a relationship with. It’s my way of coping, I guess. So, please forgive me if I’ve done that to you. I know it’s my own fault and I’m working on it.

Learn about Stoicism

Most of the questions above are often overwhelming and beyond my control. That’s why, when I sought help through therapy, my therapist suggested that I need to explore and learn about the principles of stoicism.

Stoicism is a philosophical school of thought that originated in ancient Greece. It teaches us to focus on what we can control and accept what we can’t. It encourages practicing self-discipline, maintaining a rational mindset, and finding inner peace despite external circumstances. Essentially, stoicism aims to help individuals build resilience and cope with life’s uncertainties.

I’ve been on this journey of learning about stoicism, and I must admit it’s not a quick fix to my problems. It takes time and effort to internalize these teachings and apply them in real-life situations.

Let me make it clear that I’m not an expert on stoicism, so if you find yourself facing similar challenges, I recommend seeking professional help in this field.

Consulting with a knowledgeable therapist or counselor can provide you with personalized guidance and support tailored to your specific needs. Remember, we all deserve the best possible help in dealing with our struggles.

Hold on, I’m working on it.

I’m not sure how long it will take for me to fully heal and be ready to focus on building a serious relationship. What I do know is that I don’t want to inflict suffering on others due to my own unresolved issues.

It’s important to me that I prioritize my healing journey before diving into a committed relationship. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to heal, even if it means taking the time and effort necessary to work through my problems.

It’s crucial for me to reach a place of emotional stability, self-awareness, and personal growth so that I can enter a relationship with a healthier and more balanced mindset. My aim is to ensure that I can offer love, care, and support to someone without burdening them with the weight of my unresolved struggles.

Thank you for those who choose to stay, even when they had every opportunity to walk away.