Ego and Sadism

I was watching a video from the Depp/Heard trial; some people had cut Depp saying that he didn’t think he was much bigger than Heard, and her looking sad about it.

Many of the comments were like “yaaasssss, he’s savage” or “get her!”

Which begs the question: how does it serve the ego to hurt other people?

Misogyny, in particular, has been a big part of my life. I think back on my rape; how did hurting me serve my rapist?

Well; he wanted to have sex and I didn’t. For him to accept that I didn’t want to have sex with him, would be to need to change his self image.

But, beyond that, he had difficult feelings inside himself that he didn’t want to feel that he viewed sex as an escape from. If we were having sex, he wouldn’t be feeling things he didn’t want to feel.

When people watch Depp/Heard, they project themselves into either Depp or Heard (I project into Heard.) Likely, difficult feelings from their own past experiences are brought up; finding ways to put the other person in pain, or watching them in pain, can distract from our own feelings of triggered pain. It is satisfying for people to see Heard in pain based on what Depp said to her, because they’re not feeling the pain of their own past.

For me, however, it’s triggering — and, almost bizarre. People are so satisfied watching Depp hurt Heard, that they forget isn’t this why she wrote that article about him in the first place? Because he was hurting her? He keep demonstrating that he’s willing to say things, basically, just for the purpose of hurting her during the trial. Doesn’t that strengthen the case that he’s abusing her?

But of course, that’s really just about my own ego as well. I got sucked into the drama; it brings me back to witness when men hurt me, or put their energy towards hurting me intentionally, and no one came to help. Maybe, even, onlookers enjoyed seeing me in pain and so justified it.

Of course, the root pain behind what they were doing was “aren’t you supposed to love me?”

And, the answer is, it’s not possible for you to be loved the way you want to be loved. When people love you, it is an entirely selfish act; something they are doing for their own benefit. It is not about you, it is not about helping you, or protecting you in any way; it is simply a way for another person to get their needs met. Often in love, the needs are mutually exclusive, and so it can feel like someone really wants what’s best for you.

However. When the needs of two people in love come up against each other, people choose their own needs. Always. There is no selfless love; the idea that there is a delusion. Parents push the child to do well in school “for the benefit of the child” but really, it’s for their own benefit; the desire to have a high performing child.

This is such a big delusion in society; that parental love is selfless. I mean, it’s not really a huge problem that it’s not, we should just admit it and get on with it. There is no selfless love.

There is no selfless love. People searching for it are searching for something that does not exist.

As I watch my peers grow up and have children, it is so obvious. So obvious. That they primarily want what is best for themselves; even admitting to this feels like such a flaw, because they want to be the perfect parent. Perfect mother, and they try to show themselves off to the world. But, for them, their child is just an object in this game, in this fantasy land — and whenever the child gives them evidence that they’re not perfect, that their love is limited and selfish, they blow a fuse. They cannot see that, don’t want to see that.

People want to believe they can give a perfect love because they hope one day to receive a perfect love — either from a future lover, or the one they have. One day, one day, I will be loved as I always needed.

This is what kept me dating; one day, one day. But, of course that day never came. I looked down on my rapists, as if they were different — worse — than other people, but they are only by degree. What causes most men not to rape is the simple fact that it’s punished in society; if they could get their needs met by hurting their partners, they would. Or will; most do.

Of course, women are the exact same way, just physically smaller (on average) so they need to use different techniques. Your average person will hurt another to get what they want in a heartbeat; even someone they love, even someone like a child or a partner who they would “give anything for.” They just like to tell themselves that, and even if true, it’s often based in self interest.

The only time “I would die for you” is true, is if someone thinks their life after someone else dying would be so miserable that it’s not worth living. Even that is not generous.

What exists at the heart of the ego, is the willingness to destroy anything that will not support it. There is no love; Dumbledore lied.